So Called Life

New Baby

2012-01-22T20:16:00.001+08:00

I just got a new baby. And I named her Chloe.

New Blog Arrived

2009-05-02T16:33:00.000+08:00

www.homography83.blogspot.com

Moving out?

2009-04-15T03:57:00.005+08:00

I am thinking of moving out.
As in moving out to another brand new blog.
I guess I had enough of this one.

I've deleted few online accounts today.

And there will be no turning back.

I might delete the rest of it soon.

So appreciate it while it still available.

I've lost so many things.

Might as well I loose everything.

It hurts, disappointing but yet memorable.

I wish I would become a better person.

A better son, a better brother, a better friend and a better 'I' in 'YOU & I'.

Call for movers and packers.
Pack your bags, get your ass up and lets move on, shall we?

I am so going to miss all of these and all of you.

But we will meet again.

Until then...

xoxo

?

2009-04-14T02:43:00.002+08:00

Bila semua jadi question marks yang bermain di fikiran. By this time around, aku perlu jawapan pasti. I don't need clue or hint or even empty promises.

Fall for You

2009-04-13T06:57:00.007+08:00

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Another conversation with a friend

2009-04-12T04:21:00.004+08:00

Mood: Chill

I can't avoid myself from thinking about love. That's me. Love would be my main genre which by the way it is sickening but I can't help not to. I got 2 smses from him this morning. But I refused myself to reply. Yes, 2 smses after few days of nothing. Perhaps aku betul-betul tawar hati or nekad. I don't know what should I say or how should I react. Benda dah jadi too monotonous as if aku dah lali and empty inside. Somehow, out of those disappointment, timbul rasa rindu. I told myself its ok to miss someone. I even miss a lot of people everyday. Then aku cuba made myself happy thinking about other opportunities right in front of me. And suddenly I felt bad. I felt like I've betrayed my promises.

*The conversation with a friend*

Friend: You still in love with him?

Me: I guess so.

Friend: Kau tak sure?

Me: Apa beza pun? Dia tetap dengan cara dia.

Friend: Tapi kau fikir pasal dia selalu?

Me: Memang la. Tapi aku tak tau apa lagi yang aku nak fikir.

Friend: See, kau still fikir pasal dia. Which means kau still sayang dia la.

Me: Sayang tu sayang. Tapi aku dah confuse sayang yang macam mana.

Friend: Habis, kenapa kau tak bersabar? Or kau dah ada orang lain?

(a long silent)

Friend: 'buzz'

Me: Aku penat sabar and tunggu. Tapi for nothing. Tak ada effort yang aku nampak.

Friend: Kau ada orang lain?

Me: Tak. Well, not officially. Tapi aku ada fikir pasal orang lain.

Friend: See, kau fikir pasal dia and pasal orang lain at the same time. Apa tu?
(I felt annoyed for a few second)

Me: Look, the thing is aku tau salah aku kat mana. And yes aku fikir pasal orang lain. Itu pun since our relationship ni dah jadi macam ni. What else you want me to do? Aku dah cuba untuk pertahankan or bersabar. Tapi dia macam tak ada apa-apa effect pun.

Friend: Tapi dia sayang kau kan?
Me: Sayang bukan setakat kat mulut je [friend's name]! Cuba lah tunjuk sikit. Buat la aku ni rasa dihargai sikit. Bagi la aku perhatian. He even deleted my comments on [website]. As if dia tak nak or malu nak mengaku siapa aku.

Friend: Maybe dia nak jaga privacy korang kot.

Me: Privacy my a**! Dia macam tak appreciate aku pun. Nak communicate pun susah. Kau nak suruh aku stand for what?

Friend: Kalau kau betul-betul sayang, I'm sure kau explain pada dia and cuba pertahankan relationship ni.

Me: Aku dah cuba. Tapi nothing. Macam tak ada effect. Semua akan nampak salah aku. Aku serious dah tak faham.

Friend: Orang yang dalam kepala kau tu macam mana?

Me: No clue. Aku pun cuba avoid fikir pasal dia. Tapi kadang-kadang terfikir. Ntah la. Tak akan ada apa-apa kot.

Friend: Haha... [my name], apa yang kau nak sebenarnya?

Me: Orang yang betul-betul hargai aku and sayang aku macam mana aku hargai and sayang dia. Orang yang tak malu nak mengaku ada aku untuk dia. Orang yang buat aku rasa special and yang bagi perhatian pada aku. A real relationship la. Where to person in love with each other bukan sekadar dalam hati or di mulut. Dapat tunjuk yang dia betul-betul sayangkan aku and perlukan aku.

Friend: Keep looking. Ada kat luar tu.

Keep looking? Aku sendiri dah tak pasti what to look for or exist kah orang macam tu? Funny how I tried to express everything to a friend when in fact the person involved masih tak pernah faham.

Long silent night

2009-04-10T04:25:00.006+08:00

In a long silent night, I sipped the air from outside of my window and nodded; "what is happening to me?". I could not sleep although I've comfortably rested my body on my bed. My brain just couldn't let me sleep. So I am still awake.

I wondered; "what will happen tomorrow?". My mind froze for a few minutes so I don't have any clue about it. I silently whispered to myself; "nothing but the same old lame day like any other day".

I looked in the mirror closely and stared at the person in it's reflection; "who am I?". Even my own reflection couldn't answer me. All I saw was a sad expression of a hopeless human.

I flipped through an old book I've wrote; tried to find a clue. Pages by pages; "how could I not realised that I have wasted my life making all of these mistakes?". Again, I looked down and nodded.

I couldn't throw all the memories behind. It were all hunting me now. I couldn't move a step forward trying to leave all of those shits. It all have become the shadow over me.

I ended up crying all night. I regret the past. Slap me to wake me up from this suicidal memories. Each and every drop of my tears I keep telling myself to be brave. I will. But I need more time and I need someone to guide me.

My new priorities

2009-04-09T05:08:00.005+08:00

Mood: Rejuvenated

Right about now, the most important things is to know my priorities. Aku dah fed up dengan most of the things yang complicating my life lately. So I choose to find myself a new life. Not that my life right now were totally sucks, but I think it is time for me to change. Yes! I need to change for good.

01: Good career.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be an architect. Unfortunately, after few colleges drop-out, I was no longer have the opportunities to be one of them. So I studied graphic design. Yet, I am lack of experiences in graphic so most of my previous job have nothing related to it. I worked for a few financial companies previously.

Somehow, I've been told that I am actually good at writing (people say I am; make yourself clear). Well, I have a passion for writing. But most of it were nothing but a crappy personal stories. Other then that, people also find me have a good fashion sense (again, people told me). Yes, I am a big fan of fashion. I visualise it, but I don't really design it. I might not even apply it to myself. But at least, I am not one of those out of fashion freak. Back to the issue, fashion and writing are the 2 main interest for me. So why don't I write for fashion? I used to, but lets just say I don't really have the certificate to approve neither I am a fashion designer nor a journalist. So I skipped that.

Right about now, I am still dreaming to be a fashion writer or an editor of a magazine. Can I really achieve that? I guess I should try, from scratch. Whatever it is, I need a good career right about now. And no matter what job it will be, I'll do it efficiently.

02: Family first

I am the youngest among 3. Yes people said that the youngest are the one who get most of the attention. I used to believe on that too. But as I grow older, I am the one who really lack of it. I admit that I am the black sheep of the family. For some reasons, I am the rebellious one in my family. I always fight for what I want and will do something bad when I don't get what I've wished for. As a result, I am spoiled.

Now, I have to be independent. I can't depend much on them anymore. Neither on my sister who already have her own family, nor to my brother who couldn't care much. I always put friends first then family second before. From now on, family will always remain first. I've learnt a lot from previous disappointment. So let's hope that this time, I'll get closer to my family as I was before when I was in my teen ages.

03: Best friends forever

I might known for having a lot of friends. I might also never be catch seeing alone. I always have friends around me since I was in high school. Friends were like clothes that I have to wear everyday. But now, I still do believe that friends are like clothes. They keep changing and keep loosing.

Luckily, I have a few of them who glued to me. Those are my bff. I might have made some mistakes in this friendship, but there are ways to make it up to them. I love them so much just like my own family. I never have any intention to hurt them, neither to be hurt by them. I shall keep them forever.

04: LOVE

I just want to love and be love by someone special that might not be perfect, but perfect for me.

05: F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Weird, but true. Even though I am a homo, but 98% of my friends are those straight people who understand and well-accept homo. Obviously, they are not homophobia. I am glad to have them as friends. I am sorry for those who couldn't accept me for who I am. But at least I am not a hypocrite. You have to accept my orientation in a way to become a friend. Its just who I am, not what I have become.

I always wanted to have some homo friends like any other people like me. I have some, but most of them ended up dated me or dumped me. Funny, that we couldn't stay in a friendship zone when clearly either me or them who have feelings towards each other. I just couldn't. But once I treated them as a friend, then I've drew the line that we couldn't even cross it.

But friends do come and go. I am sorry that I don't seems to have much effort in making new friends. I like to make friends and I believe that I am a friendly person. But seriously, it keeps on changing and I am getting tired of it. So friends, unnecessarily to be count on. Besides, friends are just friends.

There might be a few subjects to be add on in times. But lets hope this change will make me become a better person. Hey, it is not too late to have a new resolutions. Mine started now.

Changed.

2009-04-06T01:11:00.004+08:00

Now I am being completely ridiculous. Mana pergi the old me yang stronger and couldn't care much? I've changed. He changed me.

Now I am being completely fool out of myself. Perbodohkan diri for nothing. I never thought I could be that idiot. He changed me.

Now I am being completely paranoid. Those negativity datang striking me like thunder. I couldn't be confident about it anymore. He changed me.

Now I am hoping for a change. Hoping for a soul saver to save me from this crap. Where are thou?

Mr. O

2009-04-05T03:00:00.005+08:00

Few days back I met this Mr. O. I knew him for quite sometimes and baru finally dapat met him in person. The last few days memang aku banyak spent time hanged out and talked with him. He is a good listener. Macam-macam aku dah cerita pada dia. Almost a short version of my whole complicated life. He seemed to understand and banyak bagi aku advices which made me feels rejuvenated.

Yesterday he fetched me up for a movie. But I was not in the mood for movie at that time. So we skipped movie and go for late dinner somewhere. As usual, we talked and talked sampai dah naik berbuih nak bercakap lagi. He is funny and what makes him so adorable was everytime I made a joke, he laughed at those jokes sincerely. You'll realise when people start to make fake laughter just to please you and your joke. But he wasn't like that. And that dimple every time he smile; it almost kill me. He is a nice person.

On the way home, we stopped by at a bukit nearby my place. It has a good view last night and a little windy. How I wish someone that I love would be with me right at that moment. Romantic. Instead, Mr. O yang ada just to hear all my shits out. Suddenly, he sat in front of me looking straight into my eyes. Aku dah start rasa uncomfortable. He said things I never wanted to hear from him. Aku rasa disappointed sebab he ruined our friendship gambling on his infatuation.

I respect him for being totally honest. I salute him for expressing his feelings towards me. But I couldn't be more disrespect when he clearly disrespect my decision although he knew what I've gone through right about now. Ternyata manusia banyak yang sama. Most of them suka ambil advantages yang ada untuk jadikan opportunities untuk mereka dapatkan something or someone yang mereka mahu. It doesn't work that way for me. I am sorry.

And today, I've been bugging with all his smses and online messages. I felt bad. Rasa macam dah breaking someone's heart. Tapi this feelings belong to someone else until dia betul-betul throw this feelings away. And what made this worse bila Mr. O mula annoyed me dengan kata-kata kasar and pushy. Irritated me dengan those stoopid smses yang buat aku pissed off. So, full-stop to you Mr. O. I just can't play your game anymore.

untitled

2009-04-03T00:49:00.002+08:00

missing

pieces

missing

YOU...

I'm done.

2009-03-30T21:46:00.005+08:00

Mood : Lonely

I cannot take this anymore.

I am so lost and I need a wall to lean on.

I am sorry that I have to disappoint you.

But, I have disappoint myself much more.

Chances given just blew away.

I'm done.

Now, I am waiting to be save.

Or I just have to stand up alone.

untitled

2009-03-30T01:15:00.004+08:00

2739

:-) :-D ;-)

2839

:-) :-D ;-) :-*

2939

:-(

Used to be me

2009-03-28T03:27:00.005+08:00

Mood: Thoughtful / Sad

As I cleaned up my messy room today, I came across a book. A book that I used to bring anywhere when I was in college. It was a red covered self-made book that I used to carry around and jotted down whenever I got the chance. That book was like a best-friend to me. So many memorable stuff that I shared inside a 200++ pages of book.

I flipped it through page by page. Until this 1 particular page that really caught my attention. I almost forgotten about it. Its a 'promises page'; where I wrote those promises that I really want to keep for the rest of my life (if I could).

Make myself happy no matter what.
Make my parents proud of me.
Never let disappointment overshadow your dreams.
Go and fight for what you really want.
Never break other people's heart.
Take a good care of yourself.
Respect other people.
Be nice to my siblings.
Be independent.
Find someone, and love him with all of my heart.

Then there was some scribble of tiny people that I named few of them. Those were the people who were important in my life. Well, half of them were missing somewhere. But I still keep another half of them.

Above all the 10 promises, almost each and every single of it doesn't full fill well. Funny how time goes by so quickly that I don't even notice that most of it still under question mark in my head. Unlucky me. But I've been trying my heart's out to keep those promises or at least make it up to it. I know I can. Let the time will tell.

Then I crossed a few pages where I wrote those lovey dovey stuff about my past relationship with 'J'. I listed down each and every dates we used to have. Each and every things he gave me. And all of those sweet stuff he did for me for that 7 months we were together. Reading those stuff back making me having all sorts of feelings. I laughed, smiled, wondered and I even almost cry. I miss the old days where I made everything seemed simple and always had something to smile about. But that was way back then.

Now, I am suffering to find myself a brighter day. Now, I am desperately looking for those happiness. And now, I am feeling really left out and unwanted. I am no longer the obedient son, no longer the helpful brother, no longer a friendly friend and no longer the happy me.

Walk away?

2009-03-27T14:43:00.002+08:00

Mood: Unwanted

Aku cuba perbaiki keadaan. Unfortunately, ada ego yang controlling. So how am I supposed to fight it? Aku cuba make it all up. Tapi as usual, unappreciated. Aku cuba trying to be cool about it. Tapi dia marah. I've tried to talk about it. Tapi dia ignored whatever I said. What is left for me to do? Terus walk away without turning back?

Where do I belong?

2009-03-26T00:23:00.004+08:00

Mood: Shitty

Rasa macam so many things to share tapi aku out of words nak explain those stories. Tapi perasaan yang aku ada sekarang are those feelings yang buat aku sendiri penat and sick. Maybe I think way too much. I admit that. But if you were in shoes, they you'll be perfectly understand what I've gone through and how bad it feels.

Its true, this feelings can't be define in words. Tapi kenapa aku mesti ada this kind of feelings when it was clearly 'NO, NO' to the other half? Memang normal for me for making a fool out of myself especially when those things related to perasaan. As shitty as it may sound, aku sendiri tak dapat elak from having those feelings yang buat aku jadi stoopid.

Aku nak happy macam everyone. Nak rasa dihargai. Nak rasa disayangi and menyayangi. I might have those opportunities before. Tapi aku tak nak give up. I want more. Aku tak nak rasa lonely. Aku tak nak rasa sedih everytime aku realise that I don't belong. I don't want to see the only shadow bila aku berjalan. I want someone. I need someone. Someone who could love me for who I am. Someone who willing to share almost everything. Someone yang flatter and appreciate me as I am to them. Someone who would be there to listen and to talk to me. Someone yang dominate my feelings and my mind. Someone who could always make me smile just to think about them. Pendek kata, aku nak dia happy ada aku and aku happy ada dia.

Tapi mana dia? Where do I belong? If he can hear me then please come and save me. Just take me away for this shitty feelings I have.

I am surprisingly hurt.

2009-03-25T00:04:00.005+08:00

Sedih yang teramat sangat even you can't imagine.
Tapi at least 1 heart found happiness.
For me? Doomed.
I am now officially crushed!

Bodohnya aku. I wasn't supposed to feel as bad as this.
Its sucks. It hurts. Tapi aku sendiri tak pasti kenapa.

He didn't save me. I am drowning.
It hurts so bad.

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cuz it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one thats got enough for me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing don't know why I do

He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into...

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see

Crush ++

2009-03-24T03:03:00.005+08:00

Can't stop thinking. I have fallen way too deep. Its weird bila fikir, falling for someone I haven't actually meet in person. Falling for someone who I only got the chance to know by his writings. What am I supposed to do? I've been talking to 2 person that I truly trust and seek for advices. The A person said that I'd better stop all of this shit because it ain't going anywhere. On the other hand, The B person said that I should give it a go. We never know what will happen.

Usually, I told myself to be brave and dare to take the risk in whatever consequences pun. At least we'll die trying rather then loosing for something aku langsung tak cuba. I believed that nothing venture, nothing gain. Tapi kenapa in this case aku lock up my foot and tak berani nak move another step forward. Neither for me to take any step backward; as if aku suka berada pada exact position di mana aku go crazy about him tapi dia absolutely have no clue.

What am I suppose to do? I've been talking to a friend few days back. And co-incidentally he knew that person's ex. After hearing the stories about why do they broke up and all, and then relate'kan with those stuff he wrote, aku really pissed off with his ex and rasa sangat unfair to him. Kenapa terlalu banyak manusia kejam? Imagine that after apa yang dia dah buat to flatter his ex tapi ended up with totally unacceptable reason yang I bet dia sendiri tak tahu. SHIT! He don't deserve to be treated like that. Kenapa tak bole nak appreciate something nice and sweet like that yang dah ada depan mata? Why does physical appearance kena jadi issue? Unfair! Kenapa orang yang evil like that dapat the chance to be with him while aku yang so into him tak dapat those kind of chance? Unfair!

Balik daripada tu, I really can't stop thinking about it. Rasa macam nak cuba call dia but I don't even have his number. Besides, I am just anonymous to him. Tapi perasaan ni memberontak. Have you ever feel wanting a person you barely even meet tapi falling for that person so deep as if you've known them for so long? That's exactly how I feel right about now.

Sadly, he doesn't realise that. As I said, I am just anonymous to him. Even though he might knew a little bit about the crush, but I am pretty sure it really meant nothing to him. Tapi frankly speaking, I've gone too far with my own feelings sampaikan aku refused to have any other opportunities or options just to haunt on something that I clearly won't get it. Tapi itu lumrah manusia. Wanting what they can't get.

I wish he would realise my existence and at least appreciate me. I wish that this is not a waste of thinking or feelings sebab from what I know, he is such an adorable person inside when you willing to give the opportunity to understand. I wish I will be given the chance to prove myself to him. I wish a miracle and fate will do his charm on me. I wish the luck will be on my side this time.

2

2009-03-23T02:01:00.010+08:00

Mood: Sedih and disappointed

Today, aku dah exploded. Rasa macam this complication need to end right about now. For all of the feelings yang aku dah built towards him, semua dah di overshadow by those ignorance he has been throwing at me lately. I am not being sarcastic or over-reacted. Neither am I being too skeptical. But I am so sick and tired of wondering apa yang aku pertahankan when he clearly doesn't make any effort or showing any initiative to flatter me. Not just that, he wasn't that committed to our relationship as he used to. So, apa yang aku pertahankan? Sekadar perasaan sayang or holding on to those promises we both have made?

Aku exploded and in the end salah aku yang nampak. I am not here to pin and point it to his fault. But obviously and logically, it is his fault for neglecting me all of these while. Aku disappointed. Tapi tak nampak tanda-tanda yang dia betul sorry about it. Action speaks lounder than words. And yes we both tak perfect and banyak kekurangan. That is why we are still learning and listen to the other half. Apa yang kurang kita cuba perbaiki. But, mistakes shoudn't have to be repeated again and again. Itu gunanya luahan terhadap ketidak puasan hati. Untuk memperbaiki kesilapan. Tapi, mana effort itu? Mana perubahan itu?

I asked him to think and he said he don't want to. So what else can I do? It takes 2 to tango. If he expected me to make all the decisions by myself, then what is the point having a relationship at the first place? Aku betul-betul pissed off. Tapi aku cuba untuk tidak bersikap keterlaluan. Or maybe this things happened so many times and the fact that he still doesn't change yang buat aku dah lali dengan semua ni. Aku bukan inpatience. In fact, aku dah cukup and masih bersabar dengan harapan dia akan ada cara untuk perbaiki kesilapan ini.

Sedih when this has to be ended like this. It reminds me of those days how he really made me melt and having those goosebumps. Time passes by so quickly and aku masih belum puas being in love with him. Semua promises we have made, all of the future plans yang dah di plan are wasted macam tu saja. Tapi, I am only speaking it for myself. Aku tak dapat baca fikiran dia. Apa pun, I will never regret being with him. Its a wonderful memories yang aku akan sentiasa simpan. Once again, aku masih yakin yang I can't always get what I've planned or wished for. No harm, I am so used to it.

I believe that love come and not 100% go. Tapi as a human, aku perlu move on sooner or later. Yang pasti, aku masih ada hope and fate towards love. Sebab love yang buat aku masih terus hidup dengan senyuman. Sebab love buat aku masih diperlukan and memerlukan. And sebab love buat hidup aku lebih bermakna and dihargai. To love and be love.

"That's really cute" ??!~

2009-03-22T00:09:00.006+08:00

"thanks.
that's really cute. :pp
:')"

That's it? After all of that stoopidity yang aku dah tunjukkan? Adoi. Now I am really laughing at myself. What am I trying to do? Sekarang boleh stick my pic on the wall of shame. Serious aku rasa sangat malu and sangat sengal. "That's really cute". Who am I kidding? Ahaha..

WTF !@#$~

2009-03-20T16:45:00.005+08:00

Stoopid!

For not knowing what I want.

For those stoopid confession.

Marah!
For those things that they shouldn't really took for granted.
For being neglected.

Disappointed!

For not knowing what it actually is.

For being such a person.

For him not to realise.

Sad!

For all of these to happened.

For the ignorance from him.

Stress!

Life dah start balik jadi very stressful.

Crushing hnkcrsh crush.

2009-03-18T04:17:00.005+08:00

I really love watching fairytale kind of movies. People say its too cliche. Like it or not, fairytales banyak buat aku teringin hidup in a perfect condition. Aku aware of those bad side of the story. Just like in reality. Tapi the happy ending yang buat the fairlytales tu interesting, which is hard for me to face it in my own reality.

No matter how hard or how hush this life have been treating me, aku tak pernah fikir untuk give up. Why should I bila banyak lagi experiences yang belum aku explore and when there are still thousands of opportunities out there yang aku belum discover. As the matter of fact, benda yang jadi in the past and in the future will always be my personal experiences. They have their own reasons, their own pros and cons, but I really shouldn't regret about it. Itu reality in life. Semua orang will face it at some phase, cuma the stories were different.

Speaking of opportunity, lately I've been asking myself what opportunity yang tinggal untuk aku? Susah untuk aku define 'rasa' ini towards dia. Dia? I couldn't explain in detail about dia. I barely even know dia. Tapi perasaan ni datang once in a blue moon bila aku benar-benar ada 'rasa' towards dia. Takut, malu, disappointed, marah, lack of confidence, excited, tak sabar, guilty, wanting. Those are the feelings yang berkecamuk in my head and in my heart.

I shouldn't have this kind of 'rasa' towards dia. Kenapa? Sebab I am nothing and absolutely nobody pada dia. He sang a very lovely song in his video. It shows how romantic he is. Plus a lots of attitude pasal dia that I found out from his entries. I believe those were true and I believe from my observations too. Adorable and charming; 2 major words yang sangat close to describe him. Maybe I am over-reacting or melebih-lebihkan compliments. Tapi 'rasa' ini couldn't lie.

Unfortunately, I am nobody. He might not even glance a tiny single sight if he pass me by. I am just another admirer among tons of other people. Tapi why am I still stuck here writing about him? Sebab kononnya life full of opportunities. Crush.

A-Hunk-A-Crush ('A Complicated Stories of a Friend of Mine' continuation)

2009-03-17T02:22:00.005+08:00

A are so over with C. A just don't like those hypocrite and living in denial kind of people. And yes, C turns out to be worse than what A has expected. So C is a definite end of the story.

Now A and B still in monotonous mode. They barely communicate with each other lately. As if A dah tawar hati with B but A couldn't do anything much about it. Might be B also feel the same way to, but B just never make it clear.

In the meantime, A's crush on D is getting stronger. Jangan the crush get crush sudah. But it might be heading there since A without a control dah sent a message to D; "I have a crush on you", and another one;"a really BIG crush. A GIGANTIC kinda crush", few days later although the first one masih di ignored by D. I know. What was A thinking? Making a fool pada diri sendiri and buat diri dia macam a freak in D's eyes. Unfortunately, D memang have no clue about it. Even if D does, I am sure that D wasn't feel the same way too. But A stoopidly couldn't stop talking and thinking about D. What have D done for turning A yang as if di hypnotized but D's adorableness (if there is such a word).

Now memang clearly nampak yang A is focusing on D. Its quite ashamed since A and B are still together even though they both doesn't look like a couple anymore. But at least I think its good for A to have a crush on someone new (like D) and getting ready for whatever consequences that will come in the future. At least A wouldn't be too frustrated bila B might decide a break up and A dah pun prepare and seems happy just to think about D. But the bummer part was D never actually notice A and wouldn't even care about it.

So what now for them? C is totally out of the picture. B, still ignoring A and making A feel unwanted and couldn't even dare to just say its over. And D, yang tak realise A's existence and just took A for nothing. So where is A heading to? What will happen next? Masih complicated kan?

Fate to decide

2009-03-15T16:40:00.003+08:00

Right at this moment, aku dah tak pasti apa yang aku pertahankan? What exactly am I afraid of? Loosing the feelings or loosing the person I have the feelings with. Aku penat nak argue because in the end as if macam aku juga yang mengalah and bersalah. So I would rather keep quiet. But things doesn't seem to be change any a bit. Yes, semua tu ada their own reasons. Tapi kenapa tak cari initiatives lain to overcome the problems? Semua sebab he couldn't care much about it.

As always, I am not mad or angry or what-so-ever. I am just disappointed sebab he took things for granted and ambil mudah semua ni. I know he loves me. But it wasn't enough. Does he cares about me? Or he was just being there in the name of love. I am ready for anything to come. Sebab tu lately I've tried not to be so over-protected about all of this. Apa yang akan datang and jadi, will happen the way it should. Right at this moment, I leave it all up to fate to decide.

Tagged

2009-03-13T03:42:00.000+08:00

Tagged by EMIE

*****Let answer it honestly*****

Where are you right now?
>> At home (of course depan pc).

Where do you supposed to be right now?
>> At home sleeping (but I can't..not yet).

Where is someone you loved?
>> In his room (sleeping).

What his/her name?
>> BB

Are he/she stil studying?
>> Yes.

Where?
>> Mukah.

How long your relationship with he/she?
>> 1 ++

When do you first meet he/she?
>> Dah lama dulu (hehe).

Where do you meet?
>> Tempat rahsia kami (hehe).

When do you know you falled in love with he/she?
>> The day dengan sweetnya he proposed me (*blushing*).

Are you happy to be loved with him/her?
>> YES (despite all those arguements and fights).

What are your status?
>> Engaged (*gulp*).

Is it true?
>> We believe so.

Do you know anyone at friendster password?Who?
>> Nope (although I wanted to).

Do them know your password?
>> Nope.

What are your favourite songs?
>> Check on my mp3 playlist (on my pc) in the 'MUST LISTEN' folder.

Are your gf/bf is a great kisser?
>> Rahsia.

Are you a jealous person?
>> YES.

Has you ever told someone you never love that you love them?
>> Nope. LOVE is the magic word. Tak boleh simply guna.

Did you love your bf/gf?
>> YES I do.

What is your favourite word?
>> "takpe la" (and that selalu jadi punca gaduh. Hehe..).

Where do you wish you are right now?
>> Next to BB.

Do you smoke?
>> Yes.

Do you take alchohol?
>> Yes (but not proud of it. Can't help it. Hehe..).

When your birthday?
>> 18 February 198?

Who is on your featured friend?
>> BB, Fina, Intan, Lia, Along, Isaac, Aty, Farrina.

How many you login in a week?
>> A lot.

Did anyone hate you for no reason?
>> I guess ada.

Is it important that we have to care about people matter? Give your reason.
>> It depends on who they are, what is the matter and how it may effect me.

What is your shout out?
>> "sayang glak2"

Who love you?
>> My family, BB and my close friends (and some other people. Hehe..).

Are you a shy person?
>> A little.

Are you prefer to get back with your ex before?
>> Move forward, not backward.

Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like them?
>> Nope (when I really believed in it).

What do you wish for today?
>> To be extremely happy.

A complicated stories of a friend of mine

2009-03-11T03:37:00.006+08:00

A in a relationship with B.
A loves B.
B loves A.
But A having a crush on C.
C likes A but never clearly mention it.
A might also fall for D who is such an adorable person.
But D never knew about it and wouldn't have the same feelings towards A.
A being unfair to B for having those feelings towards other people.
B should've do something to A if B really don't want to loose A which clearly still in love with B.
C shouldn't be living in denial.
D could be out of the story soon because D doesn't seem to care much about A.
A was not a bitch for having those feelings. Its human feelings and subjective to be explain.
B must have done something wrong somewhere for letting A turns the head to another person.
C likes A so take the risk and just say it.
D have absolutely no clue about A is having a crush on D.

I personally have no clue to give any opinion in this kind of situation. So how?

Yes

2009-03-10T20:25:00.004+08:00

Yes I am okay.

Yes we are okay.

Yes I am still here.

Yes I still believe.

But somehow inside I am still crying.

If this is ain't love, then what it is.

untitled

2009-03-08T00:48:00.002+08:00

Weird.
Hari-hari kena tengok his self made video.
Bila dengar sampai malam teringat-teringat.
Siang, still terdengar-dengar.
What the hell was that?

It scares me to have this kind of feeling; again.
Takut-takut nanti over the limit.

But seriously, anyone would die to be with the one who can sing and sing that song for them.
If only someone would appreciate me like that.
Doing that kind of video.
Hurmm.. I melt.

Marah!

2009-03-06T03:50:00.003+08:00

Aduh! Sebel banget deh! Now aku rasa betul-betul pissed off macam bom yang meletup. Was it miscommunication? Siapa yang patut bengang or marah sekarang ni? Now I am the one to be put all the blamed on pula? Sebab apa? Sebab aku tak faham or sebab aku malas nak explain banyak-banyak kali. Come one, we both grown up dan for sure boleh fikir 'what is going on' kan? Kalau boleh, I choosed not to be mad like this okay. I would rather sit quiet and see your progress if you willing to make it up for it. Tapi ni tak.

Sorry that I have to share this on the blog. It is the way for me to express things out. If it was bad or good, I wouldn't mind sharing it here because it is my blog and it is about me and those people around me. Don't say that I am trying to make bad impression here. I need to let it out.

Tapi dia masih boleh tidur lena. Yes, penat banyak kerja and all. Aku, manusia yang tak pernah penat ke? Tapi aku lebih rela penat buat kerja rather then penat berfikir. If only aku boleh buat tak tahu things might be easier. Or perhaps easy sangat sampai terlepas. Kalau boleh aku tak nak lepaskan just because of this fight. Maybe things could work out well soon. Tapi mana effort kau? Tak kan setakat cakap saja and everything semua jadi ok. It doesn't work that way pada siapa-siapa pun. We have to make the effort.

Penatkan dengar rintihan each and everyday for these past few days. Aku sendiri dah rasa penat nak complaint about all this. Tapi macam mana? One thing after another. Have we both really dah going on a different direction? That is what fear me the most. Kalau boleh, I do really want to work thing things out. Tak nak la ada ending yang bodoh macam ni. I just have to wait and see for a little while. Kalau memang ada sayang, things would really go well soon. Tapi if its the other way around, then even nature can't force it to go back to normal mode. Crossing my fingers. Wait and see.

Too close

2009-03-05T17:59:00.004+08:00

I guess I am this close of turning my heads off of him. Ntah la. Don't blame me. I running out and really lack of attention and communication from him. Clearly it wasn't really my fault. I've tried to be patience and think of it in a positive way. But guess what, I couldn't find any positivity about it. Who could cope being in a relationship without communication? Especially when we both were quite in a distance. Unbelievable kan?

I don't know if I am being mean or selfish, but I really do need attention. I am feeling so alone and nobody cares. What's the point of committing with someone in general but you can't really commit of being responsible in maintaining the relationship. Aku penat menunggu dan menunggu. Aku penat nak faham situasi dia. Aku penat nak fikir on the bright side. Then siapa nak fikir pasal aku? Siapa nak faham situasi aku? I am not asking for sympathy or forcing for something extra. I am just asking for the thing that I deserves to get from a lover; the attention.

Take action before its too late. Because bila things get in the unwanted way, then I guess there is no point of blaming me. I am sad. Really sad.

I'm Scared Of Lonely

2009-03-04T10:29:00.002+08:00

I'm in this fight, and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired

I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time

I'm sinking in the sand, and I can barely stand

I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

I'm scared of lonely

I try to be patient, but I'm hurting deep inside

And I can't keep waiting, I need comfort late at night

And I can't find my way, won't you lead me home

Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

I'm scared of lonely

And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along the wall

And I'm scared the only heartbeat I hear beating is my own

And I'm scared of being alone

I can't seem to breathe when I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

I'm scared of lonely

I'm scared of lonely.....

I cry at night, 'cause my baby's too far to be by my side

To wipe away these tears of mine, so I hold my pillow tight

To imagine you would stretch your hand looking for mine

Cause I'm lost in this dream , I need you to hold me

I need your strength when nobody is around

Cause I'm tired of this emptiness, I think I'm drowning

I can't be lonely no more

Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

untitled

2009-03-04T09:47:00.003+08:00

What is a relationship without attention and communication.

Kenapa orang lain yang beri that attention?

I am sinking in. You need to pull me out or else I'll drown.

Tagged: The 100 Random Facts

2009-03-03T00:24:00.002+08:00

I got tagged by emie...

001. Real name:>> andre riantiarno nasution
002. Nicknames:>> andre / nasution
003. Married:>> not just yet
004. Zodiac sign:>> aquarius
005. Male or female:>> male
006. Age:>> 26
007. High school:>> st. john institution
008. College:>> cosmopoint institute of information technology
009. Residence:>> ampang
010. Hair color:>> originally black (currently:mahogany)
011. Long or short hair:>> short
012. Smoke:>> yes
013. Drink:>> socially
014. Available:>> NO ANSWER (haha..buat emo..)
015. Are you a health freak:>> not really
016. Weight :>> ringan
017. Do you have a crush?:>> YES! (brandon boyd please...)
018. Do you like yourself:>> on certain side of me; YES.
019. Piercings:>> at some parts
020. Tattoos:>> no
021. Righty or lefty:>> lefty
*****FIRST*****
023: First piercing:>> 17 y/o on my nose
024. First best friend/s:>> couldn't recall (there were some at that time)
025. First award:>> 8 y/o for story telling competition
026. First memory:>> which? banyak kot.
027. First pet:>> turtle
028. First vacation:>> couldn't remember
029. First concert:>> arkarna @ bandung
030. First crush:>> 12 y/o (gile flirtacious..hehe..)
*****LAST*****
031. Last time you went out:>> just now with Anowl and Nana pegi makan bakso and sate jawa..(treat untuk orang demam..hehehe)
032. Last time you had a good time:>> last week kot (hang-over alert!)
033. Last time you cried:>> early this morning
034. Last award:>> tak ingat. (facebook friendship award applications tu kire tak?)
035. Last trip abroad:>> abroad dah lame takde. last vaccay kira Langkawi la.
036. Last concert:>> Incubus (years and years back then..)
037. Last album you bought:>> bought?! (apa guna internet..download je..)
038. Last song you played:>> goodbye by secondhand serenade
039. Last phone call:>> BB
040. Last laugh:>> dengan Nana and Anowl tadi
*****PICK ONE*****
041. Summer or winter:>> summer
042. Rainy or sunny:>> sunny
043. Britney or Christina:>> Christina
044. TV or YouTube:>> tv
045. Oprah or Tyra:>> tyra
046. McD’s or KFC:>> McD
047. Soccer or tennis:>> tennis
048. New york or San Francisco:>> new york
*****CURRENTLY*****
049. Eating:>> biskut tiger
050. Drinking:>> nescafe instant
051. Wearing:>> boxer and tee
052. Im about to:>> update my blog
053. Listening to:>> Thinking of you by Katy Perry
*****FAVORITES*****
054. Food:>> banyak sangat
055. Drinks:>> nescafe / teh ais
056. Colors:>> blue
057. Numbers:>> 18 / 2 / 8 / 7 / 23
*****YOUR FUTURE*****
058. Want kids:>> maybe
059. Want to get married:>> yes tapi dengan dia (hehe..)
060. Life:>> banyak lagi yang kene fullfill
061. Goals:>> good career and happy life
062. Where will you live:>> anywhere with dia
063. Buy a house:>> i want to
064. Buy a car>> i want to
*****YOUR PARENTS*****
065. Love your mom:>> sangat- sangat
066. Love your dad>> sayang
*****WHICH IS BETTER?*****
068. Lips or eyes:>> lips
069. Hugs or kisses:>> kisses (i looooveeee..)
070. Shorter or Taller:>> taller
071. Lean or plump:>> lean
072. Romantic or spontaneous:>> romantic
073 . Nice stomach or nice arms:>> stomach
074 . Sensitive or loud:>> sensitive
075 . Hook-ups or relationships:>> relationship
*****HAVE YOU EVER*****
076. Bungee-jumped:>> not yet
077. Shook hands with someone important:>> yes
078. Kissed a stranger:>> rather not say (haha..sorry!)
079. Drank bubbles:>> no
080. Lost glasses/contacts:>> once in high school
081. Ran away from home:>> yes
082. Liked someone younger:>> yes!
083. Older:>> yes!
084. Broken someone’s heart:>> i was stupid in the past. so YES and i am sorry.
085. Been arrested:>> rather not say
086. Turned someone down:>> for a good reasons
087. Cried when someone died:>> of course la! i do have feelings...
088. Liked a friend:>> yes
*****DO YOU BELIEVE IN*****
089. Yourself:>> most of the time
090. Miracles:>> depends
091. Love at first sight:>> yes
092. Heaven:>> yes
093. Santa clause:>> no
094. Sex on the first date:>> rather not say
095. the more you hate, the more you love:>> sometimes it is true. but on the other hand, kalau dah benci, benci la!
096. Angels:>> yes
*****ANSWER TRUTHFULLY*****
097. Is there one person you want to be with you right now?:>> dia
098. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at a time?:>> no
099. Do you believe in God?:>> YES I DO!
100. Will you tag 10 people to continue this game:>> i might but i don't know who...

arrgghh!!

2009-03-02T01:02:00.003+08:00

What the hell was that?
Hari ni macam sial! Aku ni tak wujud ke? Tak penting ke aku?
Kenapa?
Or aku ni yang bodoh risau tak tentu pasal. Tapi logic la aku risau and nak tahu.
Aku over-protected ke? Or aku over think things?
Sendiri fikir; wajar atau tidak.
Aku siapa? Kau siapa?
Aku penat berfikir. Aku penat risau.
Mungkin sampai masa aku berhenti berfikir untuk itu.
And mungkin sampai masa aku tak harus lagi peduli.

Bad feelings

2009-02-26T23:36:00.004+08:00

Clueless...
Penat...
Blur...
Disappointed...
Sedih...
Depress...
Marah...
Emotional...

Those are the feelings yang mixed up in me right about now. How am I suppose to get rid of it? Serious aku tak tahu. I've tried not to think about it, tapi as usual la; I failed. I couldn't just let it go. Those were the problems I am having right now. I couldn't just escape, could I?

I over think things! How stoopid was that? Because at the end of it, aku sendiri yang pening. Aku pasti aku juga yang akan mengalah. Why not I just sit tight and be quite. See how things will work. Can they just work on their own?

Lack of Attention

2009-02-25T15:09:00.003+08:00

Aku rasa macam dah lack of attention. Damn, the paranoia side of me dah start buat hal. Maybe aku just rasa lonely. Yes, susah juga kadang-kadang nak keep up this kind of relationship. Aku tak rasa bosan; don't get me wrong. Cuma aku rasa perhatian tu makin lama makin kurang.

"Biasa lah tu. Awal-awal memang excited lebih. Dah lama-lama tu dah start macam monotonous je", says a friend to me.

Somehow I do have to agree on his statement. Memang kita akan get too excited at the early stage. Especially bila benda tu masih baru and fresh. Bila dah lama macam ni kenapa tak boleh maintain that excitement? Tu yang buat aku curious selalu. Perasaan tu dah berubah ke? Or dah rasa jemu nak excited macam awal-awal dulu?

Whatever it is, this feelings on behalf of me tak berubah and that's for sure. Maybe masa yang buat keadaan tu berubah. I am not feeling good about all this. Aku rasa dah kurang special. Like the rest of them. Ntah la. Maybe it was just a paranoia.

Tagged by e.m.i.e

2009-02-24T04:06:00.003+08:00

Got tagged by e.m.i.e

Sila berikan kegunaan lain yang digunakan oleh anda kepada barang-barang yang dinyatakan di bawah.

1) Anak Kunci - buat locket (creative kot...)

2) Penutup Pen - buat gigit-gigit semasa bosan or tengah mencari idea (macam sekarang ni...)

3) Botol Mineral - buat ketok-ketok cari perhatian (annoying kan bunyi dia...)

4) Paper lama - buat alas untuk potong rambut or alas drawing/painting.

5) Seluar 'D' lama - sambung-sambung buat selimut (hehe.. tak pernah cube lagi la..)

6) Lesung batu - pecahkan ais or kaca or even kepala orang.

7) Langsir - buat lap kaki.

8) Komputer ofis - online benda-benda yang tak berkaitan dengan kerja, simpan-simpan gambar, simpan lagu/video, main game, etc.

9) Duit syiling - buat coin toss kalau tak tau nak buat pilihan (makesure ada 2 choices je...)

10) Laman Blog - tempat nak spy kalau BB ada buat unwanted stuff, tempat share thoughts and advices, tempat nak cari info, etc. (jadi punca pergaduhan pun boleh kadang-kadang..hehehe...)

Lucky 1

2009-02-24T03:10:00.003+08:00

Yesterday (23022009) our 1st anniversary.

Hehe.. Kelakar. Within these days macam-macam dah kami went through. Fights, arguements, flirtacious mode, gelak-gelak, geram-geram, marah-marah, merajuk, konon-konon putus, baik balik, gigit-gigit, bengang-bengang, misunderstanding, emo, dan macam-macam lagi la. Tapi semuanya masih in a good condition. Aku sayang BB aku. Eventhough kadang-kadang rasa geram sangat dekat dia, tapi I still choosed him instead of any other people. Aku sayang dia! Seriously. Kalau blog ni boleh menjerit, dia dah jerit dah "enough of this lovey dovey thingie". Tapi I seriously don't care. This love tak pernah cukup for me to define in any words. Hanya hati yang dapat elaborate itself.

Macam almost everyday aku cari gaduh ngan BB. Tapi aku rasa benda tu funny sebab teringatkan dia dah cukup buat aku memang tak boleh marah lama-lama. Bagi la arguement macam mana pun, kami mesti boleh recover balik. So far macam tu la. In the future tu tak tahu la lagi. I knew he have gone through a lot, and obviously me too. Kalau boleh, aku betul-betul nak buat dia happy. Aku personally happy sangat ada dia untuk aku. Out of nowhere without any notice. This one absolutely a 'check' on the list. Wish that came true.

"So Happy Anniversary BB! Macam-macam lagi kita nak face in the future. All I am hoping for is your patience. Love you so much!"

Let's not cross the line.

2009-02-22T14:04:00.004+08:00

I've drew the line and let's not go and cross it.
I am not a cheater nor an unfaithful lover.
I knew that yesterday's bumped in wasn't really a co-incident.
Whatever it is, let's not cross the line.
I do respect your feelings, so please respect mine.
We can never to back what we have left back then.
I am sorry.
Friendship is all that I can offer.
And if its not good enough for you, then I am sorry.

untitled

2009-02-20T12:21:00.003+08:00

I nodded and said, "unfortunately yes".
It was stupid situation and I really shouldn't have said anything.
But I did and I couldn't take it back.
Lets act as if nothing happen.
Because it was really nothing.
You know, the situation where you said something and you actually didn't mean it.
That was the exact same thing that had happened here.

I can sense that a big drama will come along.
I really have to deal with this before it invade what I have right now.
It was clearly a mistake to say such a thing.
And somehow I know I didn't mean to.

I love my BB.
That's it!
I don't need no other substitute.
Because he is the only one.
The ONLY one.

The day I feel so old

2009-02-18T03:46:00.004+08:00

Gosh.. the day yang aku cuba elakkan has come. Today I am becoming another year older. S**t! I wasn't prepare for this yet. I am 26 and still clueless. Maybe my mom was right. I am childish and tak pernah cuba untuk grow up. I am still 18 somehow inside.

Not much of a celebration for me since the last few years. Aku pun macam cuba elakkan untuk having a blast on my birthday to remind myself that I am not a teenager anymore. Me and few close friends gathered up for drinks at Hartamas. We talked, we laughed as usual and that was just about it.

The whole day even until now I've been getting Birthday wishes from close friends, schoolmates, college mates, co-workers, relatives and those virtual friends out of FB,MS, etc. Thanks a lot you guys! Most of them wishes me quite about the same thing. Panjang umur and murah rezeki. And this year, I also got quite a lot "semoga cepat kawin" kind of wishes. Funny, which I am looking forward to. But it is has to be with my pusak! LOL.

Hopefully, this year aku akan jadi more mature (I think I wished for that too last year). Seriously, aku perlukan big improvement since aku dah agak terlewat ni. For those who always being there for me throughout these years, thank you so much. Tak dapat aku nak explain how much I really appreciate it. For those who came into my life and left, thanks juga for those experiences and memories. I never regret, semua jadi ada hikmah and I found the reasons why already. For my family yang selalu jadi mangsa aku, I am sorry and thanks for making my life much more meaningful. And for my BB yang datang dalam hidup aku right now, tak dapat aku nak picture in any word how lucky and thankful I am. I hope what we both have promised and hope will remain as it should be. I love you. I really do.

Enough of this quick crap. A brand new year for me, yeay! Hopefully semua akan go smooth in the future.

p/s: Thanks to Azim for this tahun ni. Love it!

"Time please stop! Aku belum ready..."

2009-02-17T18:40:00.006+08:00

The clock ticking faster and faster. Aku belum bersedia lagi nak hadapi hari esok. Maybe yesterdays disappointments dah banyak overshadows life aku sekarang. I don't want time to move another step forward while I am obviously still stuck here. I have nothing untuk bawa bersama. Aku cuma punya angan-angan and harapan. Aku cuma punya those healing wounds from the past experiences. Aku cuma punya aku untuk teruskan hari-hari mendatang.

My emotion dah semakin messing up at this very moment. Aku cuba lari daripada situasi and semua orang yang aku sayang so I won't hurt them. Aku perlu masa untuk diri sendiri for a while. I am sorry as you guys need to understand my situation. But I am scared of being lonely. Semuanya akan bermula lagi each and every year. Aku seriously belum ready. I wish I could ask Tuesday to stop and give me much more time before Wednesday take over. Tapi it wouldn't be enough. Masih banyak masa and things that I need.

Tick..tock..tick..tock..

2009-02-16T03:48:00.001+08:00

I don't really know what to expect now. Some say; "stop thinking, let it be". I wish I could. Tapi seriously, setiap puff rokok yang aku hisap akan terus buat aku berfikir. I am scared; trust me. Aku takut of the future expectations. Aku takut of making more mistakes. Aku takut making the wrong decision. Aku takut loosing or not getting what I want. Aku takut of feeling down. Takut another depression strike my emotion. Takut hopes and promises yang aku pegang disappear for no perfect reason.

Clock is ticking.

Where should I go now?

What should I do?

Who should I hold on to?

What should I be?

Sampai masa aku perlukan jawapan and kepastian.

2009 B'Day Wishlist

2009-02-15T11:15:00.006+08:00

Casio Databank Watch

Supercool cam ring

Colorsplash LOMO

BB!

Expressing Emotion

2009-02-14T14:08:00.003+08:00

Bila aku cakap aku tak suka, means aku tak suka.
Kalau aku dah tegur tu bermakna aku tak suka.
Susah ke nak faham?
Susah ke nak jaga hati orang yang disayang.

Aku bukan over-protective.
Tapi aku being alert and self aware.
Lebih baik elak before things happen.
Sebab once dah terjadi nak cakap apa pun dah tak guna.

I do trust.
Tapi jaga la hati aku just like aku seriously jaga your heart.
Aku tak suka dia.
And you doesn't seemed to be backing me up.
What was all that about?

Aku takut.
It seems slowly to be fading away.
Seriously, aku takut.
So please, do it right.
Unless you don't care.

Thanks, but No.

2009-02-14T13:32:00.005+08:00

I got home at 4.30 am this morning. Just lepak-lepak with friends and not celebrating Valentine's. I parked my car and dengan perasaan sleepy aku berjalan towards the gate and I saw a nicely wrapped-up box. I wondered apa benda tu so I picked it up and checked. Hey, there was my name on it. Mimpi ke? It is not yet my birthday pun. Besides, it doesn't stated the address nor even stamp on it. So I am guessing the sender mesti my friends yang dah tahu rumah aku.

I get inside the house dalam keadaan excited (who wouldn't bila dapat hadiah macam tu) yet wondering siapa yang baik hati bagi aku this early birthday present. I opened the box and there were few little presents. Ada small roses sculpture, a small book titled "Love Makes Life" (hurmm?), a Kinder Bueno chocolate yang dah almost melt and a card. I curiously opened the card and I know that this wasn't my early birthday gift. It's a Valentine's present. Sadly, not from my boyfriend. But someone yang aku dah clearly stated that IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

Aku appreciate dengan apa yang dia buat. But aku rasa disrespected sebab he knew that I am dating someone, and apa yang dia buat really disrespect our relationship. At that very moment, aku rasa macam nak buang je those gifts yang dia bagi. It's not persuasive at all. I won't fall that way. Penat dah nak explained. So please, respect my relationship as I do really respect your feelings. I can't tolerate with any of this again next time. This is not about who would win my heart the most. It's about I am in love with someone else; my BB. So aku tak berniat nak sakitkan hati orang or berkasar, tapi tolong jangan buat benda-benda macam ni yang buat aku muak. We have marked the line, and friends is all that you and I can be. So let's just keep it that way.

Insecurity

2009-02-13T00:18:00.004+08:00

Aku just a normal human being yang tak boleh escape from feeling insecure. Puas aku cuba chill down and try not to think of those negative shits; but I failed. Aku memang paranoid. Lately ni, macam-macam dugaan yang datang. We argued a lot. Not that I wanted to, tapi ada saja benda yang bothering us. I admit, I am quite emotional. But it were all happened for reasons. Aku bukan saja-saja nak made up stories just to get myself reacted emotionally. I am so not like that. One thing after another datang yang cuba buat aku turn my head off. But it doesn't work that simple. Aku bukan jenis yang terus jump into conclusion. Aku masih ada tolerance and trust.

But those arguments settled bila kami dengar each other explanations and yes, we both understand each other well. Kadang-kadang out of nowhere, those things yang I thought dah get over still datang and ganggu fikiran aku. Memang aku suka berfikir. So that's why macam-macam shit stuff yang boleh buat aku jadi pessimist. I am sorry. Tapi apa yang aku fikirkan mostly yang dah berlaku in the past and buat aku lebih strictly aware of things before it happen again.

Seriously, kadang-kadang aku confused of what am I doing right now. Aku cuba buat yang terbaik, jadi yang terbaik and terima apa yang terbaik. I don't expect perfection. Tapi kenapa orang doesn't take things seriously. To them, small matters buat apa nak ambil berat. NO! It doesn't work like that for me. Do not ever take any sort of small or even bigger things for granted. We never know how small things could turn into a major troublemaker. So apa pun benda yang berlaku, we do have to talk and face it. Because once when things getting bigger and everything seems to be too late, we couldn't blame fate for that to happen.

I am not waiting for nothing. Yes, semua ni perlukan kesabaran. Limited or tak, terpulang pada budi bicara diri sendiri. All I know is that at this very moment, I am still here.

What kind of boyfriend am I?

2009-02-12T17:26:00.003+08:00

Its a lame day and I got nothing else better to do. So I google for a poll and quizzes sites and this one really caught me. "WHAT KIND OF BOYFRIEND ARE YOU?". So I took a few minutes to answer those questions and here are the results.

I am honest but too secretive in terms of past personal stuff. (errkk?)
I am a big time jealous lover with those high states of paranoia. (true)
I am afraid of loosing the one you love, but easily get over it when you loose them. (check)
I keep track on my lover's improvement and alert with his changes. (I guess)
I trust my mind more then my lover's reasons. (not sure)
I can't tolerate with cheating at all. (ABSOLUTELY)
I forgive but never forget. (true. at least I forgive)
I am more dramatic than realistic. (not true)
I usually will start the arguments, but I am the one to sort things out. (sorry)
I don't escape problems. (depends)
I can easily get mad and easily loosen up. (errkk?)
It's hard for me to say 'I am sorry' although it was clearly my fault. (so not true!)
I love compliments and sweet-talks from my lover. (of course)
I have 70% of trust on my lover. (more actually)
I am a romantic lover. (you bet I am!LOL)

Somehow, everything stated there for me were almost true. Now you guys know what kind of boyfriend I am. No doubt about it.

Tagged: A Reminder - Radiohead

2009-02-11T04:28:00.004+08:00

Thanks to Cody for the TAGGED

The Rules:
Put your i-Tunes, MP3, Mp4, Windows Media Player, etc. on shufle.
For each question, press the next button to get your answer
You must write down that song name no matter how silly it sounds.

If some asked you, "Are you okay?", you say :
Get Shaky - The Ian Carey Project
How would you describe yourself :
Napoleon Solo - At The Drive In
What do you like in a guy / girl :
Running - No Doubt
How do you feel today :
Mouthful of Poison - Kittie (aikk..suicide? NO!)
What is you life purpose :
Keep Holding On - Avril Lavigne (yup..still holding on)
What is you Motto? :
I'm Only Happy When It Rains - Garbage (actually I'm out of mood when it rains)
What Do you Friend Think of You :
Bigger Boys and Stolen Sweetheat - Arctic Monkeys (yea?)
What do Your Parents Think Bout You :
Painted by Numbers - The Sounds (number 3)
What Do you Think About Very Often :
Spiderman - The Cure (kenapa? sexy kot)
What Do You Think of Your Bestfriend :
Sink Beneath The Line - Incubus (hehe..trust me, they will never be like that)
What is Your Life Story :
Join Me - HIM
What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up :
Venus As A Boy - Bjork
What Do You Think When the Person You Like :
Trying Your Luck - The Strokes (hehe.. and I usually get lucky)
What Will You Dance At Your Wedding :
Circle - Paramore
What Will They Play at Your Funeral :
Climbing Up The Walls - Radiohead
What is Your Hobby :
Brick Shithouse - Placebo
What is Your Biggest Fear :
All My Life- K.Ci and Jojo (ye? memories la kot)
What is Your Biggest Secret :
Breaking My Own Heart - Duffy (not a secret. everyone knows)
What Do You Think Of Your Friends :
No, Not Now - Hot Hot Heat
What Will You Post This As? :
A Reminder - Radiohead

So I hope those will answer your questions yea! Hehehe.. How exactly it were all related, I never know.

Jealousy!

2009-02-10T00:56:00.004+08:00

Bengang!

Salah ke if I am being jealous?

Maybe orang tak faham of the reasons why. I am being that jealous sebab aku sayang dia. I wouldn't be that jealous if I don't care. Come one, things happened before that is why I am being aware of it now. I've faced this kind of situation before. In fact, I used to be in that situation where people acted like they really concerned about me just to win me even they knew I'm dating someone. They might think that 'the best men win' cliche akan trying to ruin my relationship. But sorry, that won't do any deal.

I don't want to be the victim here. So should I or should I not be jealous if someone trying to pursue my boyfriend and act concern when I realised that he was just trying to get the attention and win over my boyfriend's heart? Aku bosan dengan orang yang macam tu. I am his lover and I do know how to take care of him. Mind yourself and your own business.

Sebab tu I am not a big fan of this 'open relationship' where people tak pernah nak respect other people's property. Aku penat nak explain to him so pandai-pandai la. I trust him. But if I smell something is wrong somewhere, then he might need to gain that trust back. Hope he understand and think how if that situation is about me. Would he be jealous?

Tagged

2009-02-09T15:59:00.008+08:00

Got tagged by Reez

The rule:
Use Google Image to search the answers to the questions below. Then you must choose a picture in the first page of results, and post it as your answer.

The age of coming birthday : 26

The place i would like to visit : Venice, Italy

The Favourite Place : Home

The Favourite Food : Lasagna

The Favourite Things : Clothes & Lomo

Nickname I had

Name Of My Love

My Hobby : Writing

My Bad Habit : Sleeping disorder

My Wishlist : Cool apartment of my own and cute car

People I tagged are:

akusiktauk

teekay

mr F

Vaccay!

2009-02-09T00:49:00.003+08:00

Finally, aku balik ke KL after few days dah tinggalkan KL for a vacation in Langkawi. Apa result yang aku dapat? It was all satisfied but yet doesn't really hilangkan all my tension. But it was fun kadang-kadang bila pergi vacation with friends.

Day 1

Kami ber-10 sampai di Langkawi around 10++ and then sewa mpv (Serena) so that boleh sumbat the 10 of us. Lepas tu straight to Pantai Cenang untuk cari hotel/chalet and we finally checked-in di Laguna Baron which is facing Pantai Cenang. Lepas rest and freshened up, kami headed to Kuah for lunch and beli barang-barang untuk keperluan for these past few days. Then balik chalet and rest for a bit then terus pergi pantai for a swim (that was the main purpose). Aku cuba untuk tanned kan kulit on day 1 ni, but result tak memberangsangkan. Malam pulak after dinner kat Wonderland Seafood, kami pergi tu a pub kat Aseania Hotel. Balik chalet then tidur.

Day 2

Penat from day 1 belum hilang but kami terpaksa bangun as early as 9 a.m to get ready for the island hopping. We charted a boat and went to 3 different island yang ada kat Langkawi tu. First, we went to see the Tasik Dayang Bunting and just celup-celup kaki since I can't really swim. After that, kami stopped by at Pulau Helang to see them feed those burung helang. And then straight to Pulau Beras Basah for a swim. Kat situ pantai dia lebih cantik and I got the chance to finally tanned my skin there. It worked after 45 minutes sleeping under the hot sun. Lepas tu kami pun pulang ke chalet and prepared to go for a cable car ride. Kat cable car tu, I wasn't expected fro me to become that nervous. Sampaikan since naik cable car tu I closed my eyes and tak nak tengok langsung. Now I know I am afraid of heights. At least, that kind of height. Seriously, scary sangat. That would be the first and the last time aku naik cable car di Langkawi tu. We headed home after that and did some bbq.

-I left my phone on charge at the chalet today and BB got mad sebab tak dapat contact aku. I am so sorry. It was accidentally and a very busy day. It didn't mean that I forgot about him. Hope he understand.

Day 3

Yeah, after those tiring 2 days, aku tak sabar nak balik KL. I miss my home and my mom and those KL stuff I've been doing everyday. Kami pulang ke KL around 3.45 pm and I finally arrived home at 12.30++. Thank God. It was a superb vacation. I had a blast.

Let love show

2009-02-05T02:03:00.004+08:00

Mood: Excited yet scared

Just now I chatted with a close friends of mine. Doing a little catched up until he jumped into the topic.

Friend: So I heard. Dah ada orang baru.

Me: Hehehe. Yup. Tapi rasa macam dah lama sangat. Hehehe.

Friend: Hehe. Gelak-gelak la. Sekarang you boleh gelak. Nanti kang jadi lagi.

Me: Jangan cakap camtu. Somehow kali ni it feels so right.

Friend: I heard that before la; from you.

Me: Hehe. Ye arr. Seriously kali ni betul la kot.

Friend: Kot??!

Me: I can't be 100% sure, can I? Who knows what will happen in the future.

Friend: See. You sendiri tak confident about it.

Me: So far, I am confident. Tapi kadang-kadang..ntah la

A minute of silence and suddenly semua paranoia tu datang and I started to think negative.

Friend: Whatever it is, just be careful. I've known you for a long time la [ my name]. I know what you've been through.

Me: Yea. Cuma I can't help myself. You know... falling.

Friend: Its good to know that you are in love. Tapi I am afraid you might get hurt like it was before.

Me: Hurmm.. Personally [ his name], I am afraid too. But I'd rather take my chances. In fact he seems so sincere.

Friend: Okay. I'm just warning you. Don't get yourself hurt ok?
Me: I'll try. I am doing my best you know.

Friend: Its a risky road you are taking. So be careful je la.

And all those negativity struck aku sampai aku tak boleh nak lelapkan mata. Somehow, aku rasa he is sincere enough. Cuma dia tak begitu pandai nak tunjukkan. Yes, action speaks louder than words. Tapi I believe I do have to take the risk. Nothing venture, nothing gain right? So all I can do is trying my best not to get myself hurt nor to hurt him. But for sure, one day something bad will happen in this relationship. I'll try not to think about it much. Be just be aware of it. Whatever it will be, whenever it will come, I hope I'll be ready to face that situation and know how to deal with it.

Some people really in love with the other half cuma tak pandai nak buktikan. Some people pula good at it. I don't really know which I would prefer. Cuma yang aku tahu, aku suka bila dia beri more attention towards me and do those sweet little sweet stuff just to flatter me. Semua tu nampak simple and cliche. Tapi its just another way of showing people that you love how much you appreciate their existence in your life and how much you love them.

Hate Meds

2009-02-04T01:18:00.005+08:00

Mood: Sick

Tekak aku macam penuh dengan rasa all those meds that the doctor gave me. I wished I could just throw it all out. Unfortunately my mom lebih bijak so she waited until I swallowed everything down baru dia buat other stuff. I actually have absolutely no problem going to see the doctor for the medical check up and stuff. But I only hate the part where they provided me with tons of meds yang aku perlu makan with my mom supervision. I hate meds. That's the fact.

But since aku fikir I have a vacation to attend to this Friday, nak or tak I have to get my health back or else the vacation will turn up into some doom days. So I forced myself to take those meds and yeah, it feels much better now. Thank God!

Suddenly blackout

2009-02-03T16:38:00.002+08:00

Aku tak ingat exactly what happened. Semalam aku demam quite panas and dah pun pergi clinic to get some meds. Early this morning, around 2 am plus macam tu, aku rasa susah nak breathing. I texted BB; no respon. He slept already. I don't know how it happened and suddenly bangun-bangun aku dah kat Hospital Ampang. I was fainted.

Nothing big actually. The doctor said it was of my low blood pressure and my eating disorder. Funny, this was like the first time aku pengsan macam tu. But it scares me a little bit too. Takut if things get any serious, how am I suppose to go for a vacation this Friday. My mum, as usual tak berhenti nangis. No worries. Everything fine. Aku just kena makan banyak and ikut time and also eat a lots of fish, kerang and mutton (euwwhh!).

Aku Ingin Engkau

2009-02-02T03:07:00.005+08:00

p/s: Thanks BB. Nyaman juak lagu ktk merik k kmk. Kmk suka glak2. Hehe. 143 U!

A dream to follow

2009-02-01T03:55:00.003+08:00

Mood: Normal

Today, everything went perfectly normal. I woke up quite late (as usual) and spent the whole afternoon entertained my nephew and niece. Pening nak layan kerenah both of them since mereka dah able to speak and melawan cakap. But it was fun playing the 'Ucu' role to both of them.

Later at night, me and few friends hanged-out at 1 of the mamak in Ampang. Borak-borak and gelak-gelak. Those were the usual stuff we've been doing almost everyday. Nevertheless, aku masih ada time texting with my BB since he had a very tough day just now.

Tadi was the last day of work for BB. Esok he'll be leaving to continue his study. I feel so proud of him right now. You know, achieving what he really wanted. I wish I could further my study. But maybe this isn't the good time to do so. Not just yet. Anyway, aku rasa sedih when he told me that dia macam berat hati nak tinggalkan his previous job tu since macam-macam memories ada while working kat situ. But to make a start on a new life, I guess you should sacrifice those things to follow your dreams. Besides, memories will always remain no matter where you are and what you'll be doing next.

Whatever it is, I really wish him best of luck doing what he wants. At first rasa takut or unsecured juga for some reasons. But as a lover to him, I really want him to do what he aimed for and do his very best. Aku sentiasa di sini to give him my full support.

One step closer

2009-01-31T01:37:00.005+08:00

B: [name] , will you marry me?

A: r u sure? kalau i say 'i do' then u dah terikat n xleh nk tarik balik.

B: yap. i'm serious. do u?

A: yes! of course i do!

Let the past fade away

2009-01-30T23:34:00.009+08:00

Kesian aku dengan BB. He have gone through a lot. Just like me too. Cuma the stories were different. And today, aku chatted with someone and got all the stories on behalf of him. Masa aku baru dengar all the facts that he told me, aku rasa sedih sangat. I cried. Aku rasa as if aku dipermainkan or terpedaya dengan those sweet stuff that he told me. I seriously cried and rasa disappointed sangat.

For a few minutes aku jadi macam lost. Rasa nak marah, depressed and totally out of mood. So I pray. I sat quietly at the favorite corner in my room doing my doodling. Sambil tu aku berfikir about all this. A part of me said, just escape while you still can. But a stronger half of me said, stay and let him prove it to you. I guess it was true after all. Apa yang peting, those things happened in the past was past. Everyone make mistakes. So am I about my past. I believe as a human and as a lover to him, I should give him a chance to prove when he said he wanted to change and buka buku baru. Aku pegang pada kata-kata. Terpulang pada dia nak buktikan sebab those promises itu bukan sekadar kata-kata. Sebab promises la boleh buat hidup manusia ni senang atau sengsara. That's for sure.

Bila semua ni happened, I started to realised that aku ada juga positiveness dalam diri. Before this, I kept telling myself yang aku terlalu negative. Aku selalu paranoid and tak percaya pada orang yang aku sayang. But this time, bukan nak brag, tapi aku faced through all these dengan penuh kesabaran and optimistic.

Aku yakin manusia boleh berubah when it comes to the right person. As for BB, aku harap I am that person yang boleh go through those change dalam life dia. Even aku sendiri masih banyak perlu berubah. Dan dia pun banyak buat aku berubah for good. Hard for me to feel that disappointment anymore sebab whatever happened to him in the past buat aku rasa lebih sayang pada dia and betul-betul cares about him. I don't care whatever shits will come along and try to crush us off. But with patience and tolarance, I am sure we can manage to work things out.

Let the whole world knows; yes aku sayang BB aku with all my heart.

PENAT!

2009-01-30T03:32:00.004+08:00

Penat!
Penat!
Penat
Aku penat la dengan semua ni.
Kenapa aku je kena fikir?
Or aku sendiri yang complicated kan pemikiran aku sendiri?
Tapi aku betul-betul dah penat, that's for sure.
Aku risau, tapi sebenarnya nothing.
Aku sedih, tapi he can only say 'sorry'
Aku cuba faham situasi.
Aku cuba faham apa yang dia nak.
Tapi dia faham situasi aku?
Dia faham apa yang aku nak?
Seriously, aku penat.
Aku sayang.
Tapi aku betul-betul penat, lost and tak tahu apa lagi.

Kenapa?

Apasal semua bende ni jadi all at once.

Nak uji kesabaran aku ke?

Or sememangnya aku tak layak nak miliki apa yang aku ada sekarang.

Kenapa?

Apa dah jadi dengan semua ni?

Please hentikan and buat keputusan.

Pastikan tak ada siapa yang hurt or kecewa.

Yang pasti kita semua nak happy.

Happy dengan orang yang aku sayang.

I will face and deal shitty stuff on my own. Thanks!

2009-01-29T23:38:00.007+08:00

One thing after another. Pelik aku dengan these people. What exactly does they want from me? To give up? The other day, it was BB's ex. And today another ex came to warned me about him. WTF? Why can't they just lay off? Aku dah penat dengan those people yang datang trying to make friends and cuba nak warned aku pasal dia. Apa yang berlaku in the past, were past. And now its a brand new day. Whatever shits yang akan datang let me and my BB solve it with our own ways. People do make mistakes you know. You can't always expect them to be perfect. So do I and my BB. So thanks for the warning, but I would rather face the shitty stuff on my own rather then just keep believing on something that I wasn't really know how far the truth is.

But yes, we argued. And semua hopes yang datang terpaksa di re-arrange balik since what we've planned doesn't work that way anymore. Aku cuba untuk berfikir rasionally and we have made our promises. Tak tahu la what kind of promises it would be. But I hope it will be those promises that I can hang on to it. I don't know what should I do anymore. I need time to think and this upcoming Langkawi vaccay is really something I am looking forward to so I can have some time to clear up my mind. Woohoo!

I believed things happened for its reasons. Apa pun reasons dia, I'll find out sooner or later. I don't care how the world see me or BB. As long as I have faith, nothing will go wrong. Even if something might go wrong 1 day, I do hope we'll find a way to make it up to it.

Sorry that I have to move on.

2009-01-27T04:07:00.007+08:00

WHY?

Kenapa mesti blamed aku for all of these to happened. Yea, cakap as if you don't blame me when you said things yang clearly stated that I was the one who broke the promises. Unfair. Maybe what I've been doing right now is unfair to you. But I didn't do such a thing when we were together. You've made it clear that we've done. Tawar hati and tak nak beri peluang. Even how disappointed I am at that very moment, I couldn't say much about it. It takes 2 of us to work things out. Tapi you refused for some reasons yang sebenarnya boleh diperbaiki if you really want. I am not ego. And I understand the whole situation.

But, it would be too late rite? Since you've said that you dah tawar hati. What can I do about it? Nothing when you sendiri tak nak or tak berani nak work things out. So I am sorry. Was it my fault to move on secepat ini? What I've said before bukan sweet-talks. I do mean it. But masa tak menyebelahi kita to prove everything we've said. Again, I am sorry.

Yes. I am seeing someone right now. I hope you really mean when you said you'll be happy for me. Because I don't put any revenge towards whatever had happened between us. You might said that what goes around will always comes around. I do believe in karma. But in this case, we both letting each other go in a good way. Doesn't matter who move on first because we are no longer together. So please don't blame me.

Things happened for its reasons. Obviously apa yang dah jadi will make you and I a stronger person. Lesson learned. I would be happy to see you happy too. So please be happy for me. I might seemed like a jerk to you. But I do no I am not. I have to move on because I wanted to. There is no point of keep looking back realizing nothing ever going to happen again. So, I am sorry.

My time

2009-01-26T17:18:00.003+08:00

Mood: Moody

What a boring day. Yes, its Chinese New Year, the year of the golden ox or so they say. But for me, just another boring day. Its hot outside and inside. Tak tahu kenapa. Rasa macam moody and nak marah all the way.

Early today, another friend request from someone and he also poped-out from my YM window. Guess who? Owh, he was BB's ex. What a co-incident? Well, I am 100% sure it wasn't. We chatted a bit and suddenly; " Jaga dia elok-elok tau". WTH was that? How does it feels when one of your boyfriend's/ girlfriend's ex asked you to take care of your own boyfriend/girlfriend?

I know for them it wasn't really a big deal. Cuma aku terfikir- fikir, what's up with that? As if aku tak tahu how to handle my own boyfriend. He is mine now so whatever arguments or happy times does not really concern those people who already left him or even me. Yea, yea. Trying to make conversation by asking me to take care of him doesn't really necessary. What are you trying to prove? Nak tunjuk yang; owh you guys dated before and its not working out so be careful. Macam tu ke?

Because of that unwanted conversation, aku jadi moody. And yes, BB jadi mangsa pula. I am so sorry. It wasn't supposed to be that way. Cuma aku suddenly jadi clueless and terfikir- fikir what is actually going on.

I wasn't really that mad you know. Cuma rasa shocked with what he said to me. I know my BB and I'll do my best to take care of him just like he cares about me. What ever happened or will happen between us, tu adalah our own thing. So no worries. So far so good. Aku mungkin faham tujuan dia is to be nice. Tapi, I didn't know he was BB's ex until he is the one who told me. Can he just left without me knowing it? Or I do have to know yang he is still around and now friends with BB. How does that make me feel? Unsecured.

I know past was past. So just leave those past behind and please do not enter what's now and in the future. You got the chance once and you blew it off. So that's it. Its my time now. And let it be how it should be.

untitled

2009-01-26T00:45:00.000+08:00

"Love isn't about becoming somebody else's perfect person.

It's about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be"

Precious Thing

2009-01-25T14:55:00.002+08:00

When all the star gazes bloom

And throw their stars around the room

I was waiting for the day

For you to love me

When all the elements conspire

With shiny things that catch the eye

I was waiting for the day

For you to love me

Precious precious thing

You are the thought that makes me sing

Wanna leave all my possessions

It's a rare and precious precious thing

Paranoid + Problem of Trust

2009-01-24T14:54:00.004+08:00

It was easy to build a relationship. But to pertahankan that relationship is whole another different story. Nak kata I am good at it, obviously I am not. From my observations, tengok those sweet couples buat aku rasa jealous. Why am I not like that?

Susah nak jadi perfect. But I thought I could have a prefect feelings. Tapi tak juga. Lots of things yang aku still lack of. Bila in a relationship, my paranoia is boosting and aku ada masalah mempercayakan orang. Kenapa nak takut when you know he's all mine?

Well, we are living in the world yang full of possibilities. Macam-macam boleh jadi if we are not aware of it. Aku bukan nak kata aku terlalu honest and loyal. But I am that person yang count on honesty and loyalty. Those 2 main things to work on a good relationship. So that's why aku cuba untuk reduce all those possibilities yang boleh buat aku turn my heads off my love one. Tak susah. And most importantly, self-control and know the limits.

Tapi manusia nowadays dah susah nak off the limits. People are more into making themselves more available eventhough they are not. Sebab tu ramai yang menyalah gunakan MySpace, Friendster, Facebook, etc. to open up more options. I am not anti with those people connector's websites ( I do owned MySpace and Facebook account). After all it have done a good job by connecting people and also to break people apart.

Paranoid.

Party to Attend

2009-01-23T18:07:00.000+08:00

p/s: I am not a tree hater by the way.

It still a Goodbye

2009-01-22T01:34:00.004+08:00

Mood: Disappointed

Why was it so hard to make people understand? Although aku dah try to explain in so many ways and so many words. Its either dia tak faham or tak nak faham. Susah sangat ke nak terima apa orang cakap? What we saw tak semestinya sama with what we thought it would be.

Penat! But it was my fault too. My fault for still having this feelings although I've tried to get rid of it. I've failed. And when I think I found someone new, it wasn't the same. What I mean is the feelings. It were all different. Was it infatuation? It was definitely an infatuation. It will always be about him. Like no one else ever can come close. They've tried. I've tried. At the end of it. It failed.

Sebab ego, a heart had been broken. Sebab nak pertahankan his own believed, he left. Sebab perasaan, I am still here.

Am I waiting? Or I just can't get over it?

untitled

2009-01-21T16:30:00.001+08:00

I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye

p.s: So please come back...

Tagged:15 Personal Sexiest Person

2009-01-19T01:10:00.011+08:00

Got tagged and here goes my top 10 sexiest person.

15- MARIO MAURER

14- RAIN

13- BRENDON URIE

12- JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

11- ED WESTWICK

10- ROBERT PATTINSON

9- MILLA JOVOVICH

8- JULIA STILES

7- DITA VON TEESE

6- JOSH HARTNETT

5- GWEN STEFANI

4- KAT VON D

3- BRIAN MOLKO of PLACEBO

2- ALEXA CHUNG

1- BRANDON BOYD of INCUBUS

Party to Attend: UOX Electric Nite

2009-01-17T04:18:00.003+08:00

Depressing tracks, I had enough!

2009-01-16T02:36:00.003+08:00

Mood: Try to control the right emotion

Aku baru noticed that, the playlist on my mp3 recently banyak lagu evolving about broken-hearted stuff. Its either the lyrics yang bagus or the music yang sangat depressing yang caught my intention to keep repeating it each and every night before I went to sleep. Aku fikir, by choosing the slow beat songs will helped me to sleep. But kenapa semua pasal loosing or patheticness? Or is it because most of the slow songs memang pasal that particular issue so I can't really escape.

I woke up suddenly and the Broken-hearted song by Brandy was playing on my mp3. I switched it off and switched on the radio. The current track on air was Broken-hearted Girl song by Beyonce. I changed the radio station, still lagu-lagu yang sedih-sedih yang keluar. What's with the world today? I just felt that I had enough of those sympathetic songs but I just can't get out of it. It seems like the whole world full of people who have very sad love story of their own.

Sudah la tu. So tonight, I've decided to sleep without any of those type of songs. Aku inserted all those catchy, upbeat and happy songs on my mp3. Hopefully this would be another good therapy go get rid of my personal depression and will straighten up my emotion.

Hopeless Planned

2009-01-15T14:27:00.003+08:00

Mood: Takde mood!

Usually bila ada kind of big event macam ni I'll plan on what to wear a week early so I won't kelam-kabut at the end of the day. So, for this upcoming event (this Saturday) aku dah planned my outfit. There was this pants yang aku dah lama tak pakai and jarang sangat nak pakai. So, since aku rasa nak make it something different, aku pun pergi la to the nearest tailor untuk alter my pants. So yesterday, the pants have been altered. Aku pun pergi ambil and rasa tak sabar nak see how it goes with my other outfit.

Bila dah cuba, suddenly a rush blood macam jatuh from head to toe until aku rasa nak faint at that very moment. Seluar yang aku altered tadi tak muat ok? WTF? I am not getting any inch fat or what so ever. Seluar tu dah jadi terlalu kecil that I have to shrink myself to fit into it.

Now, I am so out of mood. Aku dah macam hopeless of not knowing what to wear. The only thing yang go with the planned is my new shoe. The rest semua kena start back on scratch and to plan everything between this 2 days or I'll end up wearing those boring outfit. Bummer!

Newly FRIEND

2009-01-10T00:03:00.002+08:00

Mood: Normal with a little bit of cheekiness

Since dah ada license ni, I've been my mom's driver and took her anywhere she wanted to go with my little ANGEL . Other then that, aku juga curi-curi masa untuk spent some times hanging out with my friends. This week were quite normal.

I just got back from somewhere with someone. Someone who? Well, someone yang I actually love to hang out with. Someone yang very outspoken and talkative, with really good and acceptable sense of humor sampai buat aku gelak since the 3rd minute until just now. Aku terfikir, how cool to be a person like him. Dia ada those self-confidence in every conversation he made which I kind of lack of it. Aku observed his personality since day 1. Susah nak trapped him to gain any negative attitude about him. I am not saying he is perfect. But he could be considered as 1 of a kind (in a positive way).

Crush on him? No, I don't think so. To me, he is more then a good friend or a shoulder to cry on rather then going into all those crush line. I've drew the line and that's it. Plus, this year I have made a promise to myself that I am not going to be easily push-over. I have to stick my mind into something, make the decision for myself and just live with it. So, the bottom line is, we are going to be friends for real.

1 Check on brand new 2009

2009-01-02T12:12:00.004+08:00

Mode: Sangat Happy

Happy thing to start a new year with. Finally, after few years of driving without a license with 1 saman yang dah settled and today aku dah owned lesen memandu kereta dan menunggang motorsikal (as if). Yeay! I am this close to get a new car. But that was another different story. Yang penting, hari ni I am so happy knowing that aku tak perlu lagi takut for road-blocks bila nak drive. So, 1 check on the checklist.

Other then that, everything semua seems in a normal mode. What I am hunting now is a new job with good environment. Wish me luck on that.

Owh, and this year new year celebration tak se'havoc' mane pun. Just chill with few friends at Barsonic and then headed to CapsSquare. Lepas tu minum-minum at one of the mamak in Bukit Bintang. That's just about it. Quite bosan, but it was okay. Most importantly, apa resolutions yang aku personally stated on the checklist this year, akan aku cuba with all the effort to make it come true. Nothing is impossible kan? Just do something about it.

Happy new year you guys!

Happy Birthday Decemberian

2008-12-26T21:27:00.003+08:00

4 of my closest best girls celebrating their birthday on December. So here are my wishes to them.

Irma's 23rd on the 18th

Fina's 23rd on the 21st

Intan's 26th on the 30th

Farrina's 25th on the 31st

"Happy Birthday. May God bless and all the wishes come true."

Someone's Watching Over Me

2008-12-23T23:41:00.004+08:00

I found myself today

I found myself and ran away

Something pulled me back

Voice of reason I forgot I had

All I know is you're not here to say

What you always used to say

But it's written in the sky tonight

So I won't give up

No I won't break down

Sooner than it seems life turns around

And I will be strong

Even if it all goes wrong

When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe

Someone's watching over me

Seen that ray of light

And it's shining on my destiny

Shining all the time

And I wont be afraid

To follow everywhere it's taking me

All I know is yesterday is gone

And right now I belong

To this moment to my dreams

It doesn't matter what people say

And it doesn't matter how long it takes

Believe in yourself and you're fine

And it only matters how true you are

Be true to yourself and follow your heart

Breathing on a safer place

2008-12-18T02:51:00.004+08:00

Mode: Confused

Kadang-kadang, aku terasa dunia ni macam sempit sangat which makes it harder for me to breath. I've tried so hard to climb up to a safer place tapi susah. Even sometimes aku pernah salahkan pada takdir or keadaan. But I was wrong. World doesn't made me. I choosed to be this way. I even tried to change, but I can't. I want to breath easily like most of the people. Aku tak mahu stuck like this forever. I know I have something to live up to. So please guide me.

Tagged: MY LUCKY FOUR FACTS

2008-12-17T14:22:00.004+08:00

Got tagged by Fa-Scinating

Four jobs I had in my life:
1. Sales assistant at few brands.
2. Programme Volunteer at one of the science exhibition center.
3. Graphic designer at one of the local publishing company.
4. Administrative Exec. at some financial company.

Four movies/TV series I would watch over and over:
1. FRIENDS (my no.1 favorite)
2. 10 Things I Hate About You (I just love to keep on watching it)
3. One Tree Hill (old seasons on DVD + the new season on the telly)
4. Cruel Intentions (major turn on)

Four places I’ve been for the past one week:
1. Phuture at Zouk for a party
2. Food Republic at Pavillion for lunch
3. Barsonic at Zouk for a party
4. The LookOut for a date (funny)

Four of my favorite food:
1. My mom's cook (of course)
2. Lia's sambal
3. Wantan Mee
4. Lasagna

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Cacun, Mexico (my personal paradise)
2. New York, California (where I should start my new life at)
3. Florence, Italy (romantic + art love people..art love..)
4. own room (memories)

So the other 4 person I want to tagged are...
Mr Suxx
Mr F
Mr Tulis
Ms Kebun Mimpi

I fell in LOVE with a dj

2008-12-16T01:17:00.005+08:00

Mood: Nervous

As normal as it may sound, I spent almost the whole day google'ing on this really massive local dj who I fell in love with. The funny part was, I don't even know what exactly I am looking for. Music interest or personal interest? Hahaha. I am now acting freaky.

But here is a link to a cool short video of him while he was doing something he actually good at.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmbDcCv1Bec

untitled

2008-12-15T01:04:00.002+08:00

"Love comes to those who still hope although they've been disappointed, to those who still believe although they've been betrayed, to those who still need love although they've been hurt before, and to those who have the courage and faith to built trust again."

Love Less-On

2008-12-09T17:48:00.004+08:00

Love really is a loosing game. But somehow I am still not giving up. Why? Maybe I was meant to be alone in the future, but at least let me have those sweet memories to grow old with now while I still can.

Getting over a feelings you've built wasn't really easy. But what makes it easier is when something bad happen or things that make us turn off towards it. It might be a waste. But I don't regret it. I still do have those sweet moments to be remembered. It wasn't all bad after all.

You know, the best part in having a relationship is when you getting to know your other half. Arguments just spice it up a little bit and you'll learn from it. I love to observe human behavior from the way they talk or how they present themselves. Yes, each and everyone of them were just different. You might feel there is something special about them but you just can't define it in any word. And that's where it all begins. The greatest moment is when they say the magic word and you know they really mean it sincerely. Nothing else does matter. How you wish you could stop and be in that situation forever.

After awhile, when some unwanted things just getting on its way, it will make us having those second thoughts about all this. But it depends on how you take it. It takes 2 person to solve, to understand, to work things out and to make it up to it. When 1 hand give up or doesn't even have the courage to fight anymore, the worst part will come along where it decide of letting it go. It sucks, trust me.

Lots of people says being in a love is another step of getting hurt. Yes, I do have to agree to that fact. But what worse is hurting yourself from trying to avoid from having those feelings and keep denying to yourself about it. All I know is it all worth a try. Just give yourself a chance and dare to take the risk. We get hurt almost everyday without even having a relationship. Rather face something with someone special than going through everything alone. Don't deny, everyone need someone.

But for what it worth, we all still choose to be and want to be in love. No doubt, its the best feelings that even money, fortune or looks can't buy. Its full of sincerity that makes all the blues fade away. Love might be a loosing game. But it is fun and memorable playing it when put the effort to stay in the game and make the best out of it.

Taking risk on life

2008-12-08T17:41:00.004+08:00

That was just about it. I guess I had enough. Semua yang aku dah cuba pertahankan wasn't worth that much as it was before. For once I thought even how strong ego that a person can have, I am sure they will have some considerations. But people with that kind of strength, just isn't that brave enough. Who are we human living without taking a risk? We are living in a risky life in fact.

Never for once I thought I am going to give up on this even I've said it unintentionally before. But this time I really had enough of this particular one. I am still me somehow. The person who can easily get over things in a blink of an eye.

Aku tak marah. I was just disappointed on the fact that people keep blaming everything on me and couldn't even accept any explanations. I knew my mistakes and trust me I regret it. But when people just don't even try to understand, then its not my fault anymore. I've did my part. I am so tired of being the only person who keep loosing the ego to save something for what I thought it worth. People took me for granted for that. So from now on, I have to draw the line.

Whatever it is, life really has to go on. Thanks to them, it make things easier for me to just move on. I've tried so hard to pleased people and they just can't see that, so its fine. I am not loosing anything. Just the fact that I am wasting what I've hardly built before. But no worries, I can stand on my own. In a way, I will still keep looking for those sweet dreams that might just last quite longer. I've never give on love nor life. I've learned whatever it needs to make me become a stronger person.

"I am so sorry for everything. And thanks for every single lesson you thought me. We have to go on our own separate ways now. You know what you need to change as it is to me too. Yes we don't always get what we want. Or perhaps what got from what we wanted might not last when we started to loose the interest in it anymore. Hey at least we tried. That's life, people change."

If only...

2008-11-25T04:14:00.003+08:00

Mood: Sad and Thoughtful

If only I could read people's mind, then I know what steps I could take. I don't want to take a wrong step because I will regret it in the future when those step I might take I just can't take it back. If only they could understand more, I am sure people won't be so cold. All they have to do is to tell me by explanations. I am sure I will understand and won't do any wrong. If only the have more patience, I am sure they'll find a way to accept my situation. Things should be taken rationally because everything have their own reasons of why. If only people could give me the chance, I know I won't take it for granted. Who would want to have this kind of bad day. But if patience plus with trust and effort, those days we will face won't go any worse. Perhaps it could be much better.

God just testing me and I should take it in a positive way. At least I've learned so much about this life. What I hope is those people I love around me right now just give me some time to make things go right. I really hope they could try to understand me and give me those support. Because without it, I might be lost. I need guidance. And of course I need love. Without it, I would be nothing.

I want to let go of my past of only they can accept the brand new me. Just keep holding my hand so I won't fall. I am tired of making mistakes and keep loosing those people I love. So now, I really wish that God won't take away what ever that is left for me right now. Because I only have them as a wall to lean on. As a support to make me stronger. I am not asking too much. So please God grant my wish. I will make the effort. Just hold on me.

LOVE scares me

2008-11-24T17:54:00.003+08:00

Mood: Missing

Being in love sometimes buat aku rasa takut. Of what? Banyak reasons yang aku susah nak explain in detail. Being in love scares me from making a mistakes yang he can't accept it. As a normal human being, aku tak lari from making any of it yang sometimes I don't even realize it. Subjective kan? So far, perhaps dia faham and boleh maafkan whatever small mistakes I've made. For me, forgiveness is important. In a way we have to sort things out even if its a small matter. Orang cakap kalau bende remeh pun kita escape, then nanti from that remeh thing it can turn into complication. I agreed to that.

Being in love scares me from trusting. Not that I don't trust him. Actually I do trust him. But at some point, things were just to good to be true; its like unbelievable. But that doesn't mean that its not true. I just have to let myself believe and we'll make things come true.

Being in love scares me from loosing. I've lost a lot before. Well, we always fall and fell in the end. But once we were in a relationship, of course we will try so hard to make it last longer. And that's what I am doing right now. It were all depend on patience, trust, loyalty, self control and most importantly the effort. Without those, things will be hard to work out. We really need a lot of those.

So I guess being in love is quite scary. But it is still the best feeling in this world that even money can't buy. I love to be in love.

Life dengan hypocrite people disekeliling

2008-11-23T00:53:00.006+08:00

Life memang unfair. Tapi kita harus deal with it with our own ways. Some people intended to hurt us by having those negativity towards us. Tell me why should we care so much? Not being selfish, but people can say whatever they want about us. In the end, we know who we really are.

Sometimes people can think of many possible ways to hurt and to let us down. Tell me why should we bother? Yes we are not living in this world alone. But those people who try to ruin you are not those who you can consider as your friends.

Maybe its true after all. You can have as many friends as possible. But those you can count on can be count with one hand fingers. Tell me why should we cry for them? Because when you need a hand to hold, most of them just not going to be there. Some of them can just make it even worse.

I've learnt a lot in this life lately just like everyone else. So as an advice, just take a good care of those people who love and appreciate you for who you are. Those people who brings out the best in you without looking at those negative side of you. Those who find you special and not counting on things that you lack of. Those who would laugh and cry for you and willing to share almost everything with you.

Most importantly, you should appreciate yourself because you know yourself better than anyone else. Only you can take care of yourself and only you can make the best and the worst out of yourself. You are the boss of you.

Crappy day for me. Aku demam and helplessly lying in bed all day long. Yesterday morning was a bad day. I overheard people who I thought I can trust but they shit on me by talking bad stuff about me behind my back. I just don't get it. Why now? Especially in time like this. God tested me well enough this time. I've tried not to think about it because I have no choice. I can't do much about it now. But as soon as I have the chance to move on, then I can only say goodbye to them. Those were not the people who you can count on. As I said, from now on, I'll look after myself by myself and those people who are important enough for me. They can shit whatever or how ever they want because soon, there will be no smile from me for them to hang on. What goes around will always comes around.

Today, I made him cried and I felt so guilty. Sometimes bila demam ni, my paranoia usually ran wild and as an effect, my love ones yang jadi mangsa. I am so sorry and I hope he'll understand. Well, being in love tak semestinya kena happy sentiasa. Sometimes kita kena face this down situation juga. I hope he'll take it well because in the end we both know we do love each other and still holding each other's hands. Itu yang paling penting.

Cinta is about making sacrifices

2008-11-22T02:27:00.009+08:00

Mood: Sick but Happy

Demam macam almost get me. Akibat kena hujan yang every evening akan turun dengan lebatnya. Bukan just hujan in terms of weather. Tapi, petang semalam aku and Adit pun 'hujan' juga. At first we argued over something we not supposed to. Aku just tried to cheer him up and reduce his anger. Tapi lain yang jadi. But we got over it right after that.

With him, aku rasa macam a brand new person which is good because in the end, it for my own improvement. Dengan dia, buat aku rasa sangat diperlukan and dihargai. He brings out the best in me yang I should admit that not many people can see. With him, aku rasa yakin and percaya although usually I always do have problem with trusting people. Dengan apa yang aku hadapi sekarang, everything just nampak simple bila ada dia untuk aku.

Sometimes, I am afraid to think of what is going to happen to me in the near future. How am I suppose to face another day? Aku tak nak menyusahkan sesiapa or ask for anyone sympathy. I want to work things out on my own. Tapi aku tak pasti if I can deal with it alone. I know I have Adit and he insisted to help me out. But I am scared without knowing what I am scared of. Aku bukan sombong atau cuba elak daripada terima bantuan dia. Cuma aku rasa belum masanya lagi or aku tak nak di salah ertikan. Yes, cinta perlu sacrifices and cinta perlu take and give. I really don't know. But I really do appriciate it.

Apa pun, esok another brand new day yang aku kena face through. Who, why, where, what and how? Aku akan find out once I walk on it. Alhamdullillah, aku masih breathing, ada Tuhan yang sentiasa melindungi aku and ada dia untuk buat aku senyum.

Tagged:by Mr. F

2008-11-22T01:40:00.005+08:00

I got tagged by Mr. F. So here it goes.

The rules:
Snap or just sift through the photo gallery and pick 3 pics of yours which u think are sexy.Don't have to be revealing (though some said SEXY IS SKIN),Explain why u think so,Tag 3 friends (who you think is sexy)

Pic 1: This photo taken when I just woke up in the morning. Sexy? I don't know. But I do look calm in this pic. Isn't calm is sexy?

Pic 2: This is a candid photo. I always prefer my photo to be taken from this angle. Sexy? I still don't know. But I like seeing my feature at this particular photo.

Pic 3: Nothing much to elaborate about this photo. Just a self pic taken on a reflection of a mirror. Sexy? Still, I can't really judge it. But I like my half shot body movement in this photo.

So as you can see, I don't really have those photos that can consider myself as SEXY. For 'tagged' sake, those were the best I can give. Hehehe. So my 3 sexy friend who I want to 'tagged' which I might think their sexy are (drum roll please!) :

SUXX

SARA

PRINCESS WARRIOR

Have fun sexy people!

Day 2 dengan CINTA

2008-11-20T17:36:00.006+08:00

Mood: Love yet Dizzy

2nd day ada Adit dalam my life. So far not just so good. But it keeps getting better and better. He just got back from Jakarta. With all the tiredness and all still managed the time untuk talk and talk with me. Appreciated sangat. Even how busy or where ever we are, communication is the main key to a successful relationship. Not to say yang relationship aku sekarang fully successful, but I can see it might just getting there this time. Crossing my fingers.

Problem aku masih dizzy dalam kepala. Aku try not to think about it because this wasn't the first time they treated me like that. Besides, it was my mistake after all. Maybe they just need more time. Whatever it is, life has to go on. Its just that I really don't know how to start this new life with. Tapi this time, I won't have to go through this alone. I am no longer a loner. I have him to at least be there to listen and that's what matter the most. Bila rasa so hard to accept masalah yang menimpa ni, aku just keep thinking about him and I felt rejuvenated. As if the worst moment I am facing right now just fade away. But newsflash, nothing solve just yet.

Esok he'll be leaving me to London for 4 days. I guess I have to get use to this a lot. And I know I can. But hell sure la I am going to miss him. Well, this precious and loving moment yang ada sekarang ni kena la we have to take full use of it. So that if one day something negative will happen, at least ada sweet stuff to think about and can heal those problems we might face in the future. Aku tak kesah apa people might think and judge on me. But I am not afraid to admit that I do love him. That's it.

BEWARE: Lovey dovey entry

2008-11-19T03:04:00.008+08:00

Mood: Happy and Loved

Be warned that this would be a lovey dovey entry. So if you can't deal with it, I think you should better stop reading this now.

Today, a dream of mine just came true. Tonight, our 2 hearts met and as a result we both ni love. Yes, finally after so many obstacles I found someone who have the same feelings for me. Adit is officially mine as I am to him. It was funny since we both just know each other for a short period but it wasn't really a big deal to us. Even dalam masa yang singkat, it was full of information about each other its like knowing each other for a long time. Until we both decided that we should be together in a relationship.

I can't really stop smiling dari ended our conversation tadi until now. Semua sebab dia. Life wasn't that bad after all. Cuma kita perlu put the right effort into it. Aku suggest semua orang that they shouldn't give up on love. I bet you all understand enough why I said that. Its like being in the greatest moment of our life. It hurts sometimes but it still so sweet most of the time.

Apa saja yang dah jadi in past, I should just put in a box and keep it. Aku tak menyesal neither to forget. Its just that I can't see any point of keep looking at the past. I have to move on and open up a new book for my one and only. Itu yang penting. I am so in love and I am not afraid or shy to share it with other people. Why should I even be ashamed for the sweetest feeling that happen to me right now.

Positive; that's what I should feel right now. No matter how hard it would be in times, I am sure there is a way to solve it. I don't want to make the wrong impression here. Of course we will never know what is going to happen in the future. But whatever comes, there will be ways to make the best out of it. Crossing my fingers.

So love, here I come!

What we want?

2008-11-18T17:26:00.003+08:00

Dreams tak semestinya come true. Just like we human, not always getting what we really want. But I can deal with it. For me, itu semua macam forces of nature juga. Who knows that the thing that we really want itu akan kekal that way. Or maybe it will turn up into major turn off once we get it. We never know for sure right?

For me, some things are worth fighting for. Yes its true by making an effort towards something you want shows that you really put up everything to get it. But it will never be enough. Until at some point rasa macam dah tak berbaloi to fight for something yang I personally unsure and I start questioning if I really want that thing anymore. Was it all worth whatever I have to loose in terms of getting what I really want? Even kadang-kadang, by busy fighting for what we want buat kita loose other opportunity right in front of us. We got blinded with perasaan nak go for what we want.

Macam the old folks says, "yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran". So I learnt from that. What ever opportunity comes right in front of me I will at least consider it and giving it a chance and see how its going on. We will never know for sure right? Besides, everything in this world have its own pros and cons. So deal with it. Live life to the fullest!

Semalam dengan mimpi indah. Please don't wake me up!

2008-11-12T12:11:00.006+08:00

Mood: Happy and di awang-awangan

Semalam, rasa macam too imaginary. Sampai I've said to myself "if this was jut a dream, then I don't even want to go back to reality!". Rasa macam nak ambil 'life remote control' and push the pause button or repeat track button supaya apa yang jadi yesterday will keep on repeating as it was.

Dia. Semua sebab dia datang at the right time that I really need someone to talk to and someone who could at least be there to listen to all my crappy life stories. He is a good listener and a great advisor. He have been through a lot himself too. The I guess I can always take his advices as a moral support for me to keep on moving. I don't feel like telling what exactly had happened to me lately to a stranger. Not even a close friend of mine knows exactly apa yang terjadi. But I get to know him in a short notice and the comfy feeling and compatibility makes it all easier for me to just let it all out.

Now I wonder. Was it really the attention that he is trying to give me? Or was it just a sympathy? As he said, he want me to "spark out and then only kita akan menikmati keindahan tu". Macam mimpi. But pagi tadi, dia masih wujud so aku pasti this wasn't just a dream. Macam miracle. Tuhan slowly makbulkan doa aku.

Please don't take this one away from me! I really want to keep this particular one.

Sungguh sceptical.

2008-11-11T00:13:00.003+08:00

Mood: Curious and Disappointed

"Where were you last night? I called banyak kali. Why didn't you pick up the phone?"

"Owh, I tidur awal semalam. Sorry"

"Tidur awal? Since when? You jarang tidur awal before. Ke you keluar pergi mana-mana?"

"Serious I ngantuk sangat semalam. Lepas dinner terus tidur".

Human were born sceptical. Don't deny it! Kadang-kadang even over simple stuff boleh jadi too sceptical. Why? Sebab manusia ada masalah untuk trust other people. Probably because of past experiences. But why choosed to be sceptical sedangkan those stuff were so easy to believe? Was it because you yourself boleh reka cerita tip over even a simple stuff? So you might be afraid that people might be just like you.

Not just being sceptical over a person, but kadang-kadang human are sceptical over things. For me, it would be simple. If you don't trust the product, then don't even bother to buy it. Easy right? Why do you have to buy something yang you sendiri ada keraguan over it. Logically, we'll buy something to satisfy us, not something to make us wonder even more.

But mostly, this kind of sceptic people selalunya came from a slight of paranoia dalam diri dia yang build up rasa ragu-ragu and selalu question on other people's believe. Being sceptical is not all negative actually. Sometimes kita harus ada perasaan ingin tahu over kebenaran those certain things were. Especially once we are in a relationship. We have to know the truth. But being too sceptical over small tiny winy things are not necessary. Do not over do it because it might make others to feel uncomfortable about it.

Party: DJ Quest

2008-11-06T12:49:00.002+08:00

Party to attend tomorrow:

p/s: You can print this invite to admit for free before 10.30pm

Getting on the track

2008-11-04T19:27:00.004+08:00

Lately ni aku banyak spent most of my free time meeting new people. And aku admit, yang bukan sekadar kenal saja-saja, but in search of my new potential person. Funny bila aku admit macam tu. But thats the fact, so what?

Macam-macam jenis orang aku jumpa and spent my time with. There was this Mr. AF who is 30 years old. He was okay bila mula-mula kenal. But after few met up session, he acted quite silly. So I have to skip him off and decided that we can only be friends. He can't accept it and decided not to contact me anymore. Well, suits yourself.

And then there was this Mr. K who is 5 years younger then me. He was ok, sangat manja and ada those qualities I am looking for a person who I want to be with. We spent a lot of time together. We watched movie, dinner, I went to LQ (for the 2nd time) with him and we spent few nights together just getting to know each other. I sort of like him. And he said he already love me. Thats the hardest part and might fall for it. But then I found out that he already have someone. But he wanted me too. What was that all about? I am not into those open relationship like that. So we still living things hanging around and I just don't know what to decide.

Mr. Stranger still contact me from time to time. He is a nice guy you'll love to hang out with. He helping me a lot getting through things. But I don't really know for sure apa yang dia inginkan. And I don't even dare to ask him. Let the time will tell.

Other then those people I've mentioned, aku ada kenal with few people here and there. Trying to keep my option open. Masing-masing ada characteristic masing-masing yang buat aku turn on and turn off. Biasa la, human can never be perfect. And so do I. I am not being choosy, but I just have to wait and see what's going to happen in the near future. Can't wait.

As for the people I have left behind, not that I don't miss them, its just that aku masih mencuba getting rid of everything yang mungkin akan menyukarkan aku untuk move on. When the right time comes, aku pasti kita akan cuba jadi kawan to each other.

Life so far slowly getting back on track. Aku cuba ubah mana yang aku mampu and aku dah banyak make an effort towards making my future brighter. Bila jatuh pasti boleh bangun balik. Just put some effort, rite?

Party!

2008-11-02T16:37:00.002+08:00

A blast event I attended last night.SUPER!

Tagged: 5 Things

2008-10-28T00:19:00.004+08:00

Okay. Here comes the TAGGED q&a from Mr. K.

My top 5 favourite food -
1- My mom's Lontong
2- Ayam masak merah
3- Lia's sambal bibir tebal
4- Spagetthi Carbonara
5- Wantan Mee @ Hartamas Square

5 Things I love doing
1- writing
2- borak-borak
3- fashion update
4- jalan-jalan
5- party with friends

5 Types of boys/girls that I adore
1- easy-going (most importantly! who can stand a boring person?)
2- romantic (i love sweet surprises..hehe)
3- caring (its very important duhh!)
4- good sense of humor ( i love to laugh at good jokes)
5- good sense of fashion (not necessary, but you'll understand)

5 Things I love doing when I'm happy
1- writing (I love writing time happy or tak happy)
2- smile a lot (it explain what type of happy I am at that moment)
3- makan
4- beli baju (depends on the $$)
5- drink

5 Ways to win my heart
1- by always being there for me
2- by doing sweet stuff for me (hopeless romantic kan?!..haha)
3- by showing that he cares with being honest and responsible
4- by accepting the way I am and change me only for my improvement
5- by playing guitar/sing for me (hehe..major turn on!)

My top 5 most favourite junk food
1- Super Ring
2- Pringles
3- Cheezels
4- Cotton candy
5- Twisties (duhh!)

5 Things I wish it could happen soon
1- new cool job
2- new cool phone
3- new apartment
4- new cool clothes
5- new life

5 Ridiculous things I wish to do before I die
1- To live in New York
2- To be a decent person
3- To be international magazine's fashion editor
4- To own an international high-street clothing label
5- To be recognize with good deeds

My top 5 recently most addicted song
1- Cinta Begini by Tangga
2- That's What You Get by Paramore
3- Bukannya Aku Takut by Mulan Jameela
4- Great DJ by The Ting Tings
5- Trying Your Luck by The Stroke

Biarkan drama pergi

2008-10-24T15:00:00.003+08:00

Drama. Aku dah penat nak layan drama yang terlalu pathetic for me to go through. Some people dah tahu how to turn me down. By saying something so sad and touching, by giving deep meaning lyrics and all. Yea, I fell for that before. But this time, I had enough. Aku dah mula menyampah dengan so sympathetic lyrics and quotes that people trying to shit on me. I might be a little hopeless, but I am not dumb. Whatever games they're playing, obviously is not my kind of game. So be my guest, leave.

Pasal problems aku, I am slowly settling it. Thanks to Mr. Stranger yang very helpful emotionally and also dengan those stuff yang sangat aku hargai. Now I can see a ray of light from a corner and I am sure it will all shine through sooner or later. What would I do without those people who never give up and giving me such a support for me to move on. Thanks a whole bunch.

Hilang

2008-10-23T00:38:00.002+08:00

I am lost. Dah tak tau macam mana nak cari new track. All I know is I have to start everything on my own. I have nobody to depend on. Those people dah hilang. Banyak questions yang timbul sekarang. When, where, why and how to start? Aku hilang clue. I am no longer myself right now. Semua dah hilang.

Ujian Tuhan

2008-10-21T18:12:00.005+08:00

Ini memang test dari Tuhan. Dugaan! One thing after another.I just don't know where to start or even how to start. I was hoping someone could at least be there for me. But unfortunately, tak ada yang faham and in the end, aku yang dipersalahkan. Yea, memang mostly salah aku. Banyak benda yang dah jadi yang aku sesalkan. But I couldn't just take it all back, can I? Aku penat nak explain berulang kali just to make them understand. Tapi yang pasti, mereka tetap tak nak faham. I couldn't fight this tragedy even how hard I have tried to get rid of it. Easy for people to say, "jangan fikir sangat". How could I not because this things yang dah jadi really making a big impact in my life and my future.

I am sorry God! Dalam pada aku berfikir about all this, ada few times sampai aku terfikir nak end up everything. Aku dah tak jumpa reason for me to keep on going although I've tried so hard to think about it. Nasib baik aku masih fikir Tuhan. Perhaps betul kata orang, semua yang jadi pasti ada hikmah disebaliknya. And as someone yang agak sukar nak percaya on that phrase, aku harap sangat I'll find out the real hikmah soon disebalik whatever shits that had happened to me right now.